before one more minute goes by

sometimes situations lead us to submersion.

wounds, hurts, painful times, painful days and nights.  the water's surface is stormy, trepidatious......gray, churning.  what to do?

submerge.  like a submarine on patrol.  we go deeper and deeper into the waters.  hiding provides safety.  hiding helps us survive. 

but submerging can also lead us to nurture and flame the pain.  whatever our pain is......it can fan and fuel the fire.  whether it is loneliness, long term illness, lost friends, lost relationships of any kind.......when we don't feel able to change the situation....when we feel bound by chains and ropes and fear.  we go down down down. 

there is a steel beam in my spine.  not sure how it came to be exactly, just that it is.  when i dive down into those churning waters, something in me fights hard to survive.  to exist.  to know that i am here, that another day of doing little is ok, but to at least try as often as i can to be in care of my needs, this liitle life of mine.......we all gotta let that light shine.

it's a day for compromise.  after a couple of days sleeping and resting and feeling like pondscum i got a shower.  put on an old pink & black t shirt.......some well worn jeans.......and flipped the bird at my bra.  if this is tmi then i apologise.  fibro is a beast and having things against fibro inflamed skin is not bra friendly.  while the upper half needs less restraint, the jeans for whatever reason make me feel protected....cocooned.  odd, but there are a lot of odd things in this old world.

i didn't really lift my middle finger, i just thought about it and slammed the armoire door shut.  as much slalm as i could muster anyway......wimpy muckety muck.  but wimpy or not, the dishwasher is going, the dryer is going........two good signs.  the smell of that lemon shampoo i like so much lifts my spirits.  don't let the little things become inconsequential......think about them.  give them thanks.....give HIM thanks.

i have pink hot pink flats on my funny feet.  they are soooo cute.  and comfy, thrift store happiness strikes again. a nickel shy of $6.  found them used online via ebay for $50 - $55 a pair.  and i found a combo flat iron/curling iron still in the box for $4.  the box label had the TJ MAXX sticker on it with a mark down price of $19.99.  so glad i walked away from the expensive options at Sally's Beauty Supply.

almost said what the hey, put it on your credit card, but common sense grabbed me and kicked my silly tail right outta that place......!  thanks Lord, I appreciate the nudges and sometimes the kicks too when i am about to overspend. see my grands have outlived their money and i don't want that to happen to me, to any of us.  Grandpa just passed on at the end of July and dear Grandma is still living her little life.......I pray for her and wish daily that i could sit with her often.  i miss her.  a lot.......

all over the place ....that's how the brain is these days.  from one thing to another.  just like that. 

sigh all you like sparrow, your concentration is limited.  just hang in there.  i 86'd all the odd and borderlline bad frig food.  i filled a big baggie with the questionable foodage and sent it to the trash.  put the leftover slices of quiche on little plates, covered them with plastic wrap.  made more almost juice, refilled the water jugs.......wished someone would deep clean the amana for real.  but this is doing what i can.....and that is enough.

got more kleenex.  there is a brand at the dollar store that has a pretty box and a fair amount of tissue to boot.  have you ever noticed at the dollar store that some brands give you some bang for your buck and other brands give you two to three times the quanitity?  it pays to take a little extra time there and at wal mart too.  i told my doc about the generic deals available on the bottom shelves at walmart and he was pleasantly glad to learn of this, to pass it on to those with tight budgets.  he knows that allergy meds OTC for example are pricey.....so to be able to get 14 tabs for 88 cents is an awesome deal.  i plan to call my insurance and see what other meds are available at a better price point than Dexilant.  I have had to take something for severe reflux for years.  Dexilant has become prohibitive.  A three month supply currently runs $324 and some change. Does that sound as ridiculous to you as it does to me?  $108 for 30 pills?  Once i do my research i will ask my doc to change me over.......and hopefully he will.  overall we try not to change meds that much due to the hypersensitivity but based on my tummy troubles i don't think dexilant is doing my digestive tract or my budget any favors. 

it's on my do list........tomorrow is the dentist at high noon.  makes me feel like a cowgirl about to have a face off at the ok dental corral........pray that there are no vultures flying over their practice.......i wonder if they will pull the tooth, how i will heal if so..........the pain has lessened thanks to the antiB's but the swelling abobve the tooth is still significant......mushier now, not quite as big.......mushy doesn't sound good, but it feels better so that's what counts, right?

my neck is in double wide swollen mode........those poor glands.  can't decide if it's more like a double wide mobile home or a brawny young buck on the football field....one of those strong no neck dudes.  my hands are oddly warm and my neck cool......normally it's the other way around.  i've been waking with sweats daily......around my neck and back of my head.  not just daily, througout the day.  sleeping all day while my body craves it wreaks havoc on nighttime......so i'm fighting to do more during the day to give me more rest at night and to try and fight off the sleepiness that is so pervasive.  i know it may seem that sleeping life away is a preferable blessing, but when your body robs you of the choice of too much of anything it's not good.

my sinuses are overrun with pressure......checked and the temp outside says 91 degrees. huh, i thought it might be cooler.......nope. wrong again lady.

i vacuumed the bedroom, the big rug in here.......swept up the rest of the tile floor........honey do city .......now i want to lie down.  be under the covers again.  get warm......that wobbly feeling grows stronger by the minute.  i just wanted the universe to know that i am not giving up despite the darkness that comes to all of us at times.  there is light inside........and i won't let anyone or anything rob me of that steel beam in this southern magnolia.  not one single solitary thing.  i will not be overcome by gloom and doom.  i will fight for the right to the light.