Been trying to be happy.

Been trying to be happy. I was really happy with that last journal entry and after that day I haven't been able to get happy at all really. I feel horrible and terrible and I feel like the worst person in the world. I keep trying to tell myself that it'll get better, but nothing really has changed for me for the last 4 years. I'm still in the same place even when I try to force something to change in my life. 
I really do feel that I don't deserve anything or deserve to be happy at all. I'm just supposed to feel this way all the time. I'm just supposed to feel miserable and useless and a waist of time all the time I guess. I don't want to feel this way. 
I wanna be happy, but that doesn't work for me either. I hate myself and everything and everyone right now. I just wish my life would end right now so I wouldn't have to feel this physical and emotional and mental pain non stop everyday.