been a while since I wrote

Life is pretty hectic here and I'm in pretty bad shape right now.  I have the beautiful 7 children to look after but still I feel so empty and alone.  I have a new partner and he is wonderful, but I feel unworthy of him and we both have baggage to work through.  My ex has just crushed me, I found out he really left me for another woman, some one we both knew before we were married.  He admitted to loving her before we even married, but she was married to someone else, so I don't even know he bothered to marry me.  Seven children and twelve years later he leaves me for her, my career ended, his is soaring, I have to work at uni to get a new one which is hard but I'm still trying, he sits and looks down from his empire.  He is a father when he chooses, I'm left with all the kids until those times with no family support.  I've thought about ending it all, tried to hang myself 3 times within 12 days, had marks on my neck from the last one.  I was found by my new partner, I know he cares, but th pain from my ex is sometimes unbearable.  I feel so much guilt and I don't know why, my ex has been found out on so many lies time and time again, and still I love him.  WHY???  My new man has taken me to his GP and I have a possible borderline personality disorder as I'm displaying the traits - just great.  Some days I feel secure, other days I feel the world is out to get me and everyone dislikes me.  It can only get better I know, I'm just tired, need a good break and some sleep.  My ex has started pushing for a property settlement, I can't sleep worrying I might lose the house, renting with 7 kids wont be easy.  I want to take over the house and let him keep his superannuation, but who knows.  I have a major essay to write and an exam to prepare for, so after that I guess I'll lawyer up and fight the good fight.  I just want what's fair and a safe home for my children.  It just shits me that now he is with his new woman, he is being more of the man that I always wanted him to be, though he admits he s still a drunk.  Why does he do it for her but never did it for me.  Is that a reflection on me or him??