Been a While
Well it has been a while since i have been here. I guess I just got wrapped up in the chaos of my life that I am now finally getting to breathe. Earlier this month my husband's uncle suddenly passed away at age 49. I just wish things would level out in my life. I have had to watch my boss become bigger and bigger and complain each day about being pregnant. All I think about is how I would have given birth to my second child on August 13th. It almosst seems like a lifetime ago to be honest. Having lost so much in the past 9 months (ironically) life has started to mean more than it ever did before. Having to say goodbye before I am ready is never easy and has been a lesson I have had to learn over and over again these past few months.
My first round of treatment at the fertility clinic didn't work. I took daily injections, took an injection in the back had doctor tools sticking out of me for them to tell me my blood work came back negative for a baby. So now I am on round two. I was told that very rarely does it take on the very first try and the doctors have more hope this time but part I guess has become cynical and thinks I have to not get my hopes up for anything anymore. My brother always says "a pessimist can't be disappointed only pleasantly surprised". I am starting to think he is right. This way I don't get hurt as much each time I have to start from the starting point with trying to have a child.
I know I having gone through all this medical stuff that I have become numb and almost cold to being intimate with my husband and trying to find myself before all this has got me stumped. I know I am lost when it comes to that part of me. I love him more every single day and more than i tell him and I tell him often how much I love him. But, there is a wall I have put up inside because of everything I have lost of that final step that makes a husband and wife one single unit. We had it. Before all the sadness it was there. But I let fear take me over especially when I feel something. I just need to focus on the light at the end of my tunnel. I can see it, now I just have to get my butt down there.
My first round of treatment at the fertility clinic didn't work. I took daily injections, took an injection in the back had doctor tools sticking out of me for them to tell me my blood work came back negative for a baby. So now I am on round two. I was told that very rarely does it take on the very first try and the doctors have more hope this time but part I guess has become cynical and thinks I have to not get my hopes up for anything anymore. My brother always says "a pessimist can't be disappointed only pleasantly surprised". I am starting to think he is right. This way I don't get hurt as much each time I have to start from the starting point with trying to have a child.
I know I having gone through all this medical stuff that I have become numb and almost cold to being intimate with my husband and trying to find myself before all this has got me stumped. I know I am lost when it comes to that part of me. I love him more every single day and more than i tell him and I tell him often how much I love him. But, there is a wall I have put up inside because of everything I have lost of that final step that makes a husband and wife one single unit. We had it. Before all the sadness it was there. But I let fear take me over especially when I feel something. I just need to focus on the light at the end of my tunnel. I can see it, now I just have to get my butt down there.
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*hugs*
I remember when I was 15 and I got the call from my mother about how while they were out in Wisconsin for the Summer, Grandmother Mary had died. She had lived with us since I was 3, been my babysitter, my teacher, and my hero with the things under my bed. She had been so much a part of my life, I was more than just shocked when I heard the news. It was as if I got thrown off the great ship of Earth, left in darkness, screaming.
It took me nearly a year and a half before I realized I\'m the one who threw myself off. I am the one who refused to do the work to get back on for the longest time. It took nearly six more years of work as I was trying to learn how to be in the real world after college, but I made a realization that I had some serious issues about Death.
I saved up $3, 600 and did a rough vacation to the big island of Hawaii, staying at a hostel called Arnott\'s Lodge. $1 gave you free coffee for the time you were there, they had banana trees I could count on getting one free fresh banana a day, and $50 for a field trip each day which included going to the grocery store before and after. I barely spent $100 a day thanks to this place.
This left me free to realize how much Hawaii SCREAMS. I\'m serious. It screams loud, constantly about the dance of life and death. They are interchangeable and I had to accept it. The destruction of lava gave new mixtures for seeds to change how they looked nearly immediately. Every different patch of now budding lava beds were filled with blossoms and leaves which were different from the previous. It really got me to thinking how much I had screwed myself up and isolated myself. I had to start celebrating my relationship with my Grandmother. I had to fight myself to sing her favorite songs and Christmas Carols again. I had to regain parts of myself I had abandoned.
Then I had my first miscarriage. I felt dumbstruck with how right my nightmares and instincts had been about it being a fatal situation. It pissed me off my co-workers shunned me and tried to nicely explain it. They got a blast from me about being two-faced and backstabbers. I had a death in the family, not the case of AIDS. I told them to grow up and I decided a few weeks later to resign and find a new job. I was not going to keep myself off of the ship this time. If anything, I was going to make certain I got rid of the things that gave me the impulse to. I went to counseling, was prescribed to get a lap dog breed due to the fact I was waking up at night, hearing a baby cry, probably a neighbor\'s. This meant moving to a place that accepted dogs. I was not about to use my RX to force the situation. I didn\'t want to live in the same neighborhood of my now very x boyfriend, either.
It took me two years until I was in ceramics and I decided to sketch what my baby angel statue would look like for an assignment. Drawing it was quick and more of a trace. Making it was difficult. I was crying, struggling, eating candy like crazy. But after two hours of class, I got her done. It was simple style, after the Jinto statues, and I loved her. I finally felt like I was meeting my baby through the clay.
To get to the brass tacks, mourning is more than just a selfish experience with raw emotions. It is a journey to rediscover ourselves, to reclaim what matters to us, and to break down the walls we use to even shut ourselves out. You need to figure out how you want to start getting back to yourself and to your husband. You do not have to be alone. There is no point in punishing yourself and pushing everyone away. I know, even I still do it from time to time. Being happy without our angels is tough work. The point is though it is good work.
You know how I talk about candles? Try sharing five minutes to ten minutes with your husband with a candle between you, having him tell you about his day and you about yours. Grab any book from the library, heck even a romance book about 1,001 ways to show you love someone. You are in a rut, use it to help you remember how to ride that love bike. Saying isn\'t what works for a guy. ACTIONS - that tells a guy a whole lot. Words work for women, actions work for guys. Heck, something as simple as game night with a board game between you might work for a conversation piece. Men let down their guards easier in game play. You may too.
Lots of hugs, harpee8. Please be gentle to yourself, and I hope my story and suggestions inspire you to see more in the dark. =-)