beef stew
kyu sakamoto is providing the soundtrack for the still going suicidal ideation flashbacks. this nummy piece of japanese eye candy hit my radar in 1963, the same year i turned 9 years old, crooning a song which was born of the failed japanese protests against the post worl war two occupation of their country. the protests failed, but japan reentered the world stage on the wings of this song. i learned the song as, "sukiyaki." until this weekend, i had been assuming that the culinary sukiyaki was named after the song. not so. the translation of the song is, "i look up while i walk." the song promoters wanted the song to be recognizably japanese. they never served it at home, but even **my** parents recognized sukiyaki as distinctly japanese. "sukiyaki" more or less translates to, "beef stew." in spanish, the translation of "sukiyaki" depende por tu pais, but the song is still prevalently called, "sukiyaki." i am currently learning the selena version, with frequent reminders that selena is not jennifer lopez, though the two do look remarkably similar and j-lo did capture the essence of selena beautifully.
kyu sakamoto as i fell in love with in 1963
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C35DrtPlUbc
selena's version which i only discovered this past weekend
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwXxym2Pt6w
selena's version is a very distorted translation. a spanish version which pays greater homage to the roots of the song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lH064Pfcsdo
as i continue "mining for gems" within this current string of flashbacks, working the soundtrack as a distraction gives the processing of these painful memories a gentle shroud.
i think. . . maybe. . . works in progress.
again i leave the mood icon on the rapid cycling median. . . gee. . . why did anybody ever diagnose me as, "bipolar?"
inside my own psyche, ptsd is a bipolar experience. seeking the balance. looking up while i take my itsy bitsy baby steps.
Replies
I will have to listen to that song Arf.... I never followed Selena... A different generation I guess.. What a tragedy though.... I'm so sorry that you're still having suicidal ideation ... Gentle hug and a blessing.... xo
Is there an english version of this too? the melody seems familiar? It was a big hit?
selena's following was rather cultish, jan. mostly "tex-mex." she was texas born and raised and was not comfortable speaking spanish but sang primarily in spanish, so not too many english-speakers have heard of her, beyond the movie, "selena" with jennifer lopez
yes, mark, there are many english versions, most of which are still being called, "sukiyaki," but i don't believe any of those versions matched kyu sakamoto's still going international impact. the first of the english versions was released the year after i fell in love with kyu sakamoto. bobby vee was pure eye candy, as well, but kyu had already stolen my heart.
bobby vee's version, released in 1964
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUDUPgO1yfM
my favorite of the english versions i've heard to date.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdK0ALLHqfg
thanks Arfie!!
around 9 seems like a probable age to start making sense of the suicide talk which was and remains a popular topic in my birth family. the research which has balanced the flashback psychosis that kyu sakamoto's croon and the catchy tune would, indeed have been on just about every radio in my childish world while i was listening, still mostly pre-verbal, to the chatter of the suicidal matter.
the concept of honorable suicide, most specifically, "hara-kiri" was meeting my awareness on the same wave of awareness. in my quietest heart, i believe my eldest brother's suicide was an honorable death. the damages he suffered from the family business were even more hideous than mine. help is unavailable for boys survive child prostitution. girls get help. boys get profiled. eldest bro was well on his way to fulfilling profiler prophecy. i salute his courage in smoking that car's tailpipe rather than hurt another child. thank you, big brother. my heart hopes the angels were waiting to honor your courage and heal your psychic wounds on the other side.
my therapy support network is chockfull of suicidal ideation. it is a region of the healing network i avoid fastidiously and deliberately. i am far too conflicted to participate in such delicate matters. my fear of death is not strong enough to prevent me from offering assistance to a suicide wannabe. live or die. quit your whining, pick one and make it work, would ya? the half-life of straddling that razor's edge is exhausting to both the victim and the world around him or her. you stink of highly contagious fear, whether you speak your fear or knot.
i frequently question how deep my own suicidal ideation ever ran. my suicide attempts began in preadolescence and ran until the nearly successful suicide attempt which ushered me into psychotherapy in 1972, but that nearly successful attempt scared me enough that i havenae attempted since. idle threats and staged drama arenae characteristic of me. when i set out to get a job done, it typically gets done without unnecessary words or displays. the sooner begun, the sooner done. don't tell me. show me. the nearly successful attempt illustrated, up close and strictly personal, just how deep my survival instincts run. death happens, but not today by my choice. was i ever really suicidal or just learning what i was living during my actively suicidal years? i havenae a doubt that suicide threats and attempts were an active part of my childhood conditioning.
in the tedious creep of old age, suicide is again surfacing in my senses as a valid option.. should i put that in the past tense? suicide feels like a far more valid option than scheduling a doctor visit, but the immaculate conception of triplets at age 65 sure was a game changer. i will be 84 when the baby graduates from high school and i am feeling motivated to see her through. spending uncounted hours in medical establishments awaiting the next age-related treatment isnae on my list of how to be there for her, but i canae imagine putting these children through the trauma of a family suicide. i can handle physical pain much more readily than i can handle imagining their reaction to my **choosing** to leave them alone in this callous world.
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