bed timing

it would be nice to tell someone i love 'goodnight' ... some day this will come...it would make life worth living.

i need to write here now - it seems like making something is what I must do at bedtime,

with sleep eluding me. It's a positive step that I'm making I believe!

I am trying to have cognition about what I choose to do when I can't sleep

so that I don't suffer and toss and turn with a sense of helplessness.

I know my body and mind need to be reoriented at bedtime (from relating outward daytime mode to relating now

to the inner world), this is not always so easy...but similarly

so often when I am alone - I have a similar struggle as I have nothing and no one to relate to outside of screens

and my cat. It's like I wrap myself up in a project or in my physicality just to butt up against something...

It's just an observation....that is forcing me to be something more self directing in life rather than

a victim...and better yet to find better things to hold on to - like active engagement.

I think just starting to take an active role in recognizing that identity vacuum,

is something that is giving me a sense of choice or agency about creating

projects to take on activities to choose when I find myself in a bad way..

 I am more than a fluid force of nature - but a person

who has worked very hard at life - who has a legacy of work behind him

though the cards were dealt as they were. My sensitivity is in part the cost

of being so observant - like a pair of invisible eyes floating in the way of the world.

It'll take some initiative and good practice to start changing gears

from thinking passively - like i have no choice or say in the matter - to one of

proactive agency.. I'll think about creating a long terms project...

Good night folks!!!

xo

Mark