Beating myself up!
So here I am a total screw up.
I had an amazing opportunity yesterday to work and get some help from an amazing woman and I messed up. I just froze. Im not sure why. Im ok face to face. It was to be a Skype thing and I wasn't sure how Skype works and thought I would mess up so I just ran for it. Pathetic and I am not impressed with myself.
I am so pissed off with myself right now. My husband annoys me everything he says and does gets to me in some sort of negative way and I feel like Im a moony old cow.
Last night he did the talking in bed with the lights out thing. He likes to have 'talks' then. I suppose he feels safe. But it usually winds me up so I can't sleep. Last night he said something and I thought I must write that down….it was something like ' ooo you always exaggerate and make things up., thats so typical of you."
Yes I do exaggerate things but in an obvious funny way and he doesn't get things like that at all ( which is why I first thought he was autistic or something,!) he takes everything literally. SO me saying that something was a million miles away he would say I was a liar as nothing is a million miles away, its 56miles away. So last night I was also a fantasist and a liar. hmmm.
Im just fed up full stop.
Fed right up.
Im so grumpy with him and with myself.
I got cross and grumpy with him about him booking the company dinner for the 4th Jan without asking me first if this was ok. So he said why should I ask you, its not a problem is it?
( and I know he only booked it because I said I thought it was a waste of money and maybe a summer thing would be good so families can bring their children....)
I asked him to shave his moustache as it was triggering me and he said he wasn't going to shave until 4 days later. Even though I explained it was really upsetting me.
He ate 2kgs of chocolate candy which I was supposed to give to the children we teach so now there isn't enough but I kept asking him not to eat them as we will run out….but he carries on . SO now we look like we will run out and he tells me its my fault. So I reminded him of all the times I asked him to stop eating them and he turns it round on me saying I shouldn't blame him. He didn't eat that many?! actually yes he did.
Im cross with myself for over-spending AGAIN! Im so fed up with being over weight and none of my clothes fitting - I mean how depressing is that. So I spent a few hundred on new clothes. And this house is freezing so I bought some jumpers too. Then some flat shoes as the physic said I should not wear heels. ….so it soon adds up. but I wish I hadn't. Its just stuff and its weighing me down!
I need to sell some work and make some money to start my business instead I felt shite one day and tried to cheer myself up by buying clothes and now I feel like a loser!
so there you go - fedupfedupfedupfedup!!!!
and bah humbug - xmas is coming and it always makes me sad.
Most of all Im just having a right downer on myself, Im so miserable every single day.
And I'm thinking about not living again and I don't want to go back on the meds.
Im lost again.
I had an amazing opportunity yesterday to work and get some help from an amazing woman and I messed up. I just froze. Im not sure why. Im ok face to face. It was to be a Skype thing and I wasn't sure how Skype works and thought I would mess up so I just ran for it. Pathetic and I am not impressed with myself.
I am so pissed off with myself right now. My husband annoys me everything he says and does gets to me in some sort of negative way and I feel like Im a moony old cow.
Last night he did the talking in bed with the lights out thing. He likes to have 'talks' then. I suppose he feels safe. But it usually winds me up so I can't sleep. Last night he said something and I thought I must write that down….it was something like ' ooo you always exaggerate and make things up., thats so typical of you."
Yes I do exaggerate things but in an obvious funny way and he doesn't get things like that at all ( which is why I first thought he was autistic or something,!) he takes everything literally. SO me saying that something was a million miles away he would say I was a liar as nothing is a million miles away, its 56miles away. So last night I was also a fantasist and a liar. hmmm.
Im just fed up full stop.
Fed right up.
Im so grumpy with him and with myself.
I got cross and grumpy with him about him booking the company dinner for the 4th Jan without asking me first if this was ok. So he said why should I ask you, its not a problem is it?
( and I know he only booked it because I said I thought it was a waste of money and maybe a summer thing would be good so families can bring their children....)
I asked him to shave his moustache as it was triggering me and he said he wasn't going to shave until 4 days later. Even though I explained it was really upsetting me.
He ate 2kgs of chocolate candy which I was supposed to give to the children we teach so now there isn't enough but I kept asking him not to eat them as we will run out….but he carries on . SO now we look like we will run out and he tells me its my fault. So I reminded him of all the times I asked him to stop eating them and he turns it round on me saying I shouldn't blame him. He didn't eat that many?! actually yes he did.
Im cross with myself for over-spending AGAIN! Im so fed up with being over weight and none of my clothes fitting - I mean how depressing is that. So I spent a few hundred on new clothes. And this house is freezing so I bought some jumpers too. Then some flat shoes as the physic said I should not wear heels. ….so it soon adds up. but I wish I hadn't. Its just stuff and its weighing me down!
I need to sell some work and make some money to start my business instead I felt shite one day and tried to cheer myself up by buying clothes and now I feel like a loser!
so there you go - fedupfedupfedupfedup!!!!
and bah humbug - xmas is coming and it always makes me sad.
Most of all Im just having a right downer on myself, Im so miserable every single day.
And I'm thinking about not living again and I don't want to go back on the meds.
Im lost again.
Replies
Just had a day with him and he makes me feel so unimportant. What is wrong with me!!! Why do I need that from him?! I was on my way out and he practically pushed me out of the door so he could get on with his work. I called him on the mobile as I was lost ( its his home town!) but he didn\'t answer, so I called the landline, he didn\'t answer. When I got back he said it never occurred to him it might be me! So I said - out of sight. out of mind.he just sighed and walked off. I have said that phrase many times since we met. If I am not in his face he doesn\'t think of me. We lived 30 miles apart and he never once contacted me when we were apart. Not at all. It made me so sad. Its like Im invisible. Or just mean nothing to him, I\'m not sure which.