Banquet

 Yesterday was the banquet in memory of my late husband. He had participated in a learning program from Yeshivat Pirchei Shoshanim. In 2006 he earned smicha (the title Rabbi) from their program and had been continuing to learn, Dayanut, to become a Dayan, a Judge.  When he died, they embarked on learning a new sefer (book), Sefer Mikvaos, in his memory. The learning of that Sefer culminated in a Shabbaton (weekend retreat) and a Banquet, all in his memory.  It was a lovely event. Our Rabbi spoke and so did my FIL. Both spoke beautifully.  But my MIL and FIL barely said two words to me.   And, they also barely spoke to my daughter and son in law -- and paid scant attention to the baby.   Later, my MIL had mentioned that T, my husband's oldest daughter is pregnant, and she knows she is pregnant but not because T called her and told her. So my daughter said she would discreetly say something to T. My MIL then started yelling at her to stay out of this, mind her own business, not meddle in things, etc. Both I and my daughter were shocked at how vehement she was. She was yelling.  Later, I found my daughter in the hallway sobbing. She was really upset. She had hoped that the nonsense going on between my inlaws and me would not affect her, and she realized that was not to be. She was very hurt and saddened, and angry. I am merely angry. Now, they made my daughter cry.  This is ridiculous. A good thing came of this, though.  A distant cousin of mine, a second cousin, was at the banquet. I did not recognize him as I had not seen him in MANY MANY years. He was there because he, too, participated in their Yeshiva learning program and he had just earned HIS smicha.  Anyway, we reconnected as a result of this and I am so glad. I remembered him from all those years ago when I had met him. He had made a very strong impression on me way back then (I was only 12 years old then) but I had never forgotten him.  Today I had an email exchange with my SIL, with whom I had basically been having a good relationship. I mentioned that the girls wanted to replace me as administratix of the estate with her. I told her that I thought that would be unfair to her. Her response was that she actually agreed to be the administratix, that she thinks she could be objective, but that she does not think the girls best interests are being considered!!  And she thinks she is objective??  The whole thing is that I have not DONE anything, I have not sold anything, given anything away, nothing. I can't. Everything is in probate, in limbo. I have to keep paying for everything without any guarantee that I will get any of it!!!  I almost want to say fuck you all, and let it all fall to pieces and then light a match to it.   They are all so damn impatient and no one cares about ME, what is in MY best interests???  AARGGH.