balance
I was thinking about how I like it here at St. Nina's. I like how I am here and my relationships have gotten better
as I have grown stronger and fortified. I was thinking about my Dad who has a very wide angle scope in life
and how I tend to be very details oriented. That quality of being specific and detail oriented here catches and supports me.
It's complementary for sure. But also it supports me in being strong for everyone.
I have a greater awareness of myself now and also of the phenomenon of how we all eventually commit to something.
I’m also joining a gym to deal with my body...I'm getting older and I want to be fit for health and honestly for looks and self pride.
My insurance covers it. I’ve picked one already. Again to address what I've learned here is that I can see 'how to see' things in specificity
but also in a broader vision and go for my body’s health and not just trapped by my mind's vision.
I'm realizing when I don't keep mindful - my mind will seek out
any way to get the validation it wants. Awareness of that helps me make the choice about what I need and want.
Cognition! and purposeful and intentional!
Just to reiterate, I know now how to keep aware of what I am thinking
and not forget that which would lead me to these times of woe and upset.
I am in my room right now - and candidly a little bored now
and my body and mind are at going at it - thankfully I am doing laundry (got something to do)
and can go online and start the membership to the gym.I don't know - these thoughts can be corrosive -
but something within me demands that I talk them out -
and post them - it does kind of ruin things -
but again it's like I am pushed to the cliff's edge so that I must
relate them if I can. I actually can deal with it. Keep on keeping on.:)
Replies
I don't know guys. Some days I feel like an alien - as I am doing phone calls right now - it's like
I can't protect myself or cope - BUT I am getting the work done and doing what I am supposed to be
doing - and taking care of myself - I'll try to remain responsible and be consoled by that.
I think I am tired - I need to rest.
ok the other day I totally f-d up the blessing during meal time -
I assessed that having the ability to carry through on those prayers successfully
is something to be humble about and that the spirit will allow for whatever result.
I think I'll use that metaphor - and just be humble about every day -
Go easy on yourself. I tell myself the same.
just downloading from the day now. I think emotional chaos just happens - especially when you've had a long day and your tired..
I turned on the radio to listen to the news just now and the broadcast journalists and the people they interviewed all seemed
so high strung and panicked. The Canadian Ambassador to the United States who was interviewed was a total voice of reason.
But anyway - I digress. I think I am going to bring myself down from the day - not by theorizing wisdoms
but rather maybe I'll do some art. I'll think about things. Looking back on the day I can say it was productive.
I took care of a lot of moving parts and loose ends to my life right now. Tomorrow I go for the first visit to my new
gym after services. Very excited. Wednesday I have a visit online with my Therapist!!
Thursday, Friday nothing planned. But maybe I'll take myself out if I am not scheduled for any major driving errands
for the sisters. My feelings after working at my desk in my room were positive after all that
talking on my phone (adulting/personal admin.) But when I went into 'meal prep' I really went south . In meal prep we cut,, peel and prepare veggies
etc.. for the upcoming meals - it's depressing - it's creative work that's just not my bag (though I appreciate it a lot) - the sister in charge is ghoulishly militant
and no music except singing the jesus prayer is allowed. We chat a little but even that is not encouraged - we're mostly
silent or focusing on how to prepare things and talking to the cook about that. Then I went into services/vespers totally crestfallen
and I felt distant from the services but eventually I was drawn in. Then was meal time - and they look to me to say the prayer
before and after the meal. That's fun. I just started to see how when you spend so much time with folks like I am - you start
to be like them. One father said that to me. I like being in my room where I can sort the day out like i tend to do - but in greater earnestness
accepting that things are just chaotic in life sometimes - makes me want to be around someone who has
good vibes and can just chit chat back and forth about the day and the details of what to do tonight or the days to come.
I've gotta go. Have a good night. Blue is crunching on his kibble. Thank god for Blue! :)
thanks Nikki!