bad night/ bad morning
Yesterday was just bad all around. I was glad my son slept at a friend's house. I was just so sad. Unfortunately my daughter who is home from college saw some of it. I just couldn't stop crying. I am just so scared and heartbroken. Why can't I just say no to all of this? It is not fair that he gets to make all the choices that negatively affect three other people. How come he is the only one who counts in this equation? He is just running away from responsibility. I could hardly sleep last night from worry. I wish I could live in the moment and have mindfulness and all that, but I just can't seem to do it. That's what made me the responsible partner and him the irresponsible partner all along. Let's see, I get to be responsible for every aspect of our children's lives, get no money from him to help support them, and to be scared all the time that I will screw up and not have enough to feed and clothe them. I get to go to therapy and try to recover my self esteem and try to get over the daily anxiety of feeling like I am still as chopped in half as the first moment he told me he doesn't love me anymore. Meanwhile, he gets to run off and play house with his trollop and have plenty of money and fun and joy.
I need help. I feel like I am coming apart at the seams. I don't feel safe to drive because my anxiety levels are so high. I shake so much and my hands constantly tremble. My heart and my stomach feel awful all the time.
I am supposed to go to work on Monday. I am a teacher. I have to get up in front of my students and not fall apart.
I have never been weak. I have withstood everything life has thrown at me. But this? I could lay down and never get up, never get up, never get up.
I need help. I feel like I am coming apart at the seams. I don't feel safe to drive because my anxiety levels are so high. I shake so much and my hands constantly tremble. My heart and my stomach feel awful all the time.
I am supposed to go to work on Monday. I am a teacher. I have to get up in front of my students and not fall apart.
I have never been weak. I have withstood everything life has thrown at me. But this? I could lay down and never get up, never get up, never get up.
Replies
I am sorry. It\'s not fair:( my situation is different but he basically decided he is through putting effort in. Like where is my say or even a freaking discussion over the matter??
You have friends here that care about you, including myself. You are NOT alone. I want you to talk to us so you don\'t feel alone in your situation. Having people to talk to should help you throughout your life. HUGS
I am so sorry that you are having such low lows right now. I still have them, but find I can manage a bit better after 4 1/2 months. I felt exactly the same as you do, in the beginning. Couldn\'t drive, couldn\'t be productive at work, couldn\'t take care of my responsibilities. I found that I would tackle one single thing at a time. I have the tires on my car fixed. I moved my furniture around, took pictures down, went to counseling (still). I absolutely am making use of some medication to help me sleep since no sleep was a terrible curse- the mind takes over like a whirlwind. I spend so much of my time with my kids. My network of friends had previously been set aside, but they have all rallied. Talk to everyone who lends an ear. I was taken aback by the holidays, almost sunk back to the bottom, but now am trying to go forward. In your case, the best you can do is take care of yourself, be strong in front of your husband, and let him know that you are going to be okay without him. Don\'t let him see you stagger.
My situation is a bit different since my husband has chosen not to be located in any way, shape or form. I don\'t even know if he is still in Florida (probably, though), but he wants a new life with his past erased. I have to struggle financially, as well, and was left without health insurance. To buy it online it will cost me over 700.00 a month, but it is the law, and I am 55 and need it.
I pray for you, keep in touch. Time is the best healer.
Are you going to let a man make you into a mess? You have more strength in you than that. It\'s early days for you. All of what you are feeling is normal. Time is your best friend right now. Cry if you need to cry. The kids understand and get it. Let it out. Then as a bit of time passes you can get your lawyer to kick his ass
Brokenheart, I can certainly relate. I am SO glad the holidays are over. Recently, I\'ve come to the conclusion that I will not allow my stbx husband ruin my life. I\'m in a similar stage as you in the break up/ divorce process. Some days are better than others. Some days the pain is overwhelming and it\'s hard to breathe.
Please know you are NOT alone. Many care what happens to you and are angry of the many injustices you\'re experiencing. I\'m trying to reign in my anger and righteous fury and use it in a productive and positive way. It takes a lot of effort because of many difficult circumstances. But I will NOT let him win.
You\'re a beautiful, intelligent, kind person. You deserve better than what you got, but you\'re strong, too. I can tell you have more inner strength than what you realize. You\'re suffering right now, and that is very understandable. You\'re grieving what once was and feeling resentful for the difficult position your narc H has put you in. I understand 100%... I\'m right there with you.
We\'re going to get through this, and we will be even stronger than before.... and much wiser. Let yourself go through the process of grief, of healing, and recovery. It truly is a process. Big hugs sent your way.
That is where your Dream Team comes in. You have the counselor, but do you have an attorney? The attorney takes care of the legal worries and can help get you some financial support. Yes, your H is probably having a wonderful time, but the law has a way of bringing him back to reality, and reminding him that he has a wife and children to support. If you have not spoken to an attorney, I urge you to do so.
Sending healing hugs. It\'s time to put on the big girl panties and show him why the old saying \"It\'s cheaper to keep her\" is so true!
I think once yuk get back in the classroom you may be surprised how much this will help. Throw yourself into your work. It\'s much better keeping your mind on something else than sitting at home dwelling on the past. Believe me I know what you\'re going through. And if you haven\'t gotten an attorney lined up you need to since you still have a minor child and if he was the health insurance provider this needs to be looked at. Don\'t cave to his cheating ass. Take back your power. You\'re a teacher so you have a good head on your shoulders. Set aside some time per day to grieve but then take the reins and take back your life! You can do this!
BH1210,
I rwnember 8 years ago...i was in your shoes.
I kbow its not fun.
I once told my phyciatrist that I need something to calm
Me down. There are times when it was just to hard to deal with. She did prescribe some pills. They did work.
I only used them in my darkest moments.
I know.. ..there are times when it\'s just to much.
I\'m much better now. .most of the time! HA HA. IT got better as time went on..
You do your best.. ..crying is ok.
Timeman