Bad mood. Its ok.

Meditation for today: whatever happens around me whatever i feel let it be a wave that washes over me, cleansing me and transforming my anxiety to peace.

Its truly been hard to ride out this wave. It started about two days ago. Saturday I think. I should have went to an alannon meeting. But i chose not to. I did other self care things but I didn't connect with someone. My partner and I fough at day and into the next day. Pretty much exhausting each other out for the weekend. The end of the week poured into monday and Now its tuesday and im dragging myself up and out of this rut, to be honest, that i put myself in. The darkness consumed me because the feelings were too much to raw too soon and I jumped out of the boat because I thought it would sink anyway -- i didnt even try to fix the whole inside of it. I just decided to let myself sink or swim. It probably wouldnt have been that hard to fix the whole. But in fixing the whole to keep me afloat that would mean i would have to sit in the anxiety of not knowing what would happen so I just gave up. That is what I did. I basically stopped trying for the last few days. I laid around in my bed. Did nothing. Cried. I got myself to journal a little. But I yelled, called my partner names, pushed him when i found out he was lying. I felt myself slowly loosing life, not being able to get a breathe. I allowed it to happen. I let myself sink. I am not dead yet though, i landed pretty beat up and cold on the shore but I am still alive. I can still try again. Thats what i plan to do. Yes, I am tired, but I will use the tools I have, the ones I know of to try and repair my boat so I can get back on the lake to go home. Home to myself and to god. Where I can rest in the peace of my own love. and in gods love.