Bad idea......

So I had a bad idea today.  It all began when I watched this documentary called The Business of Being Born a few weeks ago. I HIGHLY recommend it for anyone who is even THINKING about having a baby, it is great! So anyways, my DH mentioned this morning that he has videos of his children's births (he has two kiddos). My first reaction was that I wanted to watch them, although something told me this would be painful. So Bobby went to work and I pop in the DVD. I made it through about 5 minutes and had to turn them off. To see my DH and his exwife together in that way was really hard. Of course I know he has children who I absolutely love, but to see these births really hit home that if and when we have a baby--it will not be his first. Am I being silly? I know I did this to myself--I put those videos away to never watch them again. I don't know why I feel the need to torture myself. I did the same thing a week before our wedding because I looked through his first wedding album. Its hard for me to separate my head from my heart. I KNOW that he does not love her (claims he never did) and I KNOW it will be special when we have a baby, so why do I want to compare everything?? I am frustrated with myself--I need to let this s*^t go!!!! I think this all has to do with my insecurity with (well pretty much everything) but especially my fertility!!! Ahh tomorrow is a new day.....