Bad dreams

This morning I awoke much earlier than I had anticipated from a recurring nightmare. I'm not sure if it officially qualifies as a nightmare, but it's a distressing dream none the less. I can never really, or very rarely remember the exact details. I'm also not sure if it counts as recurring because it's not the scene that recurs, but the theme.
My husband is always in this dream, but he is always either in danger or somehow separated from me and I can't get back to him. I very often spend the entire dream either searching for him, or trying to make my way to him. I always fail in the end. I know that Matt has similar dreams occasionally.
Usually when one of us has this or a similar dream, immediately upon waking we reach for the other. We wrap ourselves up in each other to assure ourselves that we are together and that we are safe and that we still have each other. This morning when I woke from this horrific dream, I reached for him and of course he was not there.
The terror did not subside because the nightmare had become real. This of course sent me into a state of anxiety. Thankfully the anxiety did not last too long. I was not able to go back to sleep but I was able to relax. It did not escalate into a full blown panic attack. It was very upsetting though, and it made me miss Matt even more than I already did.
The rest of the day wasn't too bad. I live streamed  the Sunday service from the church I like to go to in Manhattan. It was a good thing that I did because it was exactly what I needed to hear to help get me through the day. It was about being in a place of darkness, and having just enough light to guide you to the other side.
I feel like that's exactly where I am right now. Things are very dark for me. I can see the light, but it's very faint. I'm not sure how long it's going to take me to reach it, but I know that it will happen eventually. I'm also not sure what I'm going to find when I get there, though I know that it will good.
The rest of the afternoon was pretty relaxing. I did some internet surveys, watched some TV. My sister's dog Cooper was smelling particularly awful so I decided to give him a bath. That was actually fun. He's a very cute little dog and he makes me smile because he's so affectionate and cuddly.
I decided to catch an evening movie. By myself I went to see the third and final installment of The Hobbit. Thank goodness it's over. Whomever told Peter Jackson it was a good idea to stretch this story into three movies clearly only cared about money and not about telling a strong narrative. This whole saga could have easily been done in two films. Not to mention that it would have been a much stronger piece that way.
It was about 9pm when I got home from the movie. Mom went to bed very shortly after I got home. I've spent the past three hours catching up on episodes of Arrow that I'm behind on and checking out peoples Facebook Statuses. I also made Matt a video of me singing a song. I'm not sure if I'm actually going to send it to him. I've been sending him songs every day.
Matt was off work today and I really did expect that he would want to talk to me today. It hurts me that this is now the third day without any communication from him. The last time we spoke was on the first of January. That conversation did not exactly end on a high note. I agreed that I would give him time and space to figure things out. I haven't exactly been doing that. I haven't called him, but I have emailed him every day.
I'm afraid that if I don't email him that he wont think about me. New Years eve he didn't call me to say Happy New Year until I sent him a text. He says that he was going to call but it's very hard for me to believe that. Not because I think that he is lying, but I just don't believe that he would have thought of me. I don't believe that he thinks about me much anymore. At least if I email him these songs, even if he doesn't listen to them, I'll know that he has to think about me for the ten seconds it takes him to delete the email.
I want so much to get my life back in order. There are so many things that I should be doing. I should be more active in seeking therapy and medical treatment for whatever is going on with me psychologically. I should be looking for a part time job so that I can start earning money. It just all feels like I'm treading water right now.
I want to move home and rebuild my life, together, with my husband. I know that I need to work on myself as an individual as well. It just feels like if I do that then I am giving up on my marriage. Matt doesn't realize how my entire life has changed because his hasn't. He got to stay in our apartment, with all of our stuff, and his job in the same. His entire life is the same; I'm just not in it anymore.
My entire life has changed. I have no home, no job, no way of getting back to the city that is my home, or at least where I want it to be. The entire trajectory for what I wanted to do is off now because of all this. I wont be able to take another class at HB. I'll be very surprised if I'm able to get my headshots, resume, and audition material ready in time to start in February. It's all just a mess.
I'm not sure if I should start getting my life together here in my hometown, or try to make my way back to the city without Matt. Either way it feels like a fake life. It's not the life I want to be living. I don't want to build a life without him. Not yet. Not until he tells me that he doesn't want to try to fix things, that he never wants me to move back home. Until then I'm just languishing in limbo. He doesn't seem to understand that.