Bad Days

I'm not sure if there is something up with some astrology stuff or what, but I feel like I have had too many bad days in a row. Just bad luck, upsetting things, things going wrong. Maybe it's just me. I need a vacation. Oh wait I used my vacation days when I had the flu. And my vacation money went to property taxes because no one else wanted to help pay them this year. My fiance and I just fight fight fight. My mom says she is dying. I got harrassed by strangers Saturday. I lost my contacts Wednesday. My cat hurt his leg and needed rabies shot so I had to spend $145 at the vet. The headlights in my car won't work but I can't spend money on that or he will bitch. Im getting my hair done Wednesday so I don't have 2 tone gray/brown hair. He will find a way to ruin that and keep me from going, just wait and see. I've been trying to spend money lately on things I want and need besides bills. What does he do? Wastes gas. When I need help with bills? Gives me the money but then spends all the rest of his paycheck on drugs, alcohol, junk food, video games. He doesn't get paid for another 2 weeks. Even though I make half what he does in a paycheck, he will expect me to bail him out when he is overdrawn. When I'm outside digging in the garden, I often think I'm digging his grave and I imagine whacking him over the head with my shovel. I told my mom that and she said that was bad to think like that. I guess I should just think of killing myself instead since apparently it's normal to out up with abuse.

Last Friday he lied to me about where he wanted to go out. He just wanted to go lay around in a bar then make fun of me and belittle be the whole time. When we left we went to a store next door and he wouldn't let me buy anything. I threw up while I was in the store because I was so upset and because he made me drink and I can't drink. He got to the car before me and locked me out then drove off. He was too drunk to be driving but wouldn't let me, so when he finally let me in the car he drove into traffic. Idk how we didn't get hit. Then he drove over 80 the whole way home and wouldn't talk to me other than to tell me I'm an annoying bitch and that he never has any fun anymore. All while driving a car I own and pay for. I hate myself so much. I really think I am stressed so much because I constantly have to fight down my feelings and urges to kill him. This has to end. I'm not spending another summer miserable and wanting to die.