Bad day today

I had a bad day today. I really miss Donna. I feel very alone. I took our son Andrew out today for lunch and bought him his new iPhone. I needed to get out of the house and do something. I started out crying a lot and just needed to get away. I was going to try to start going through her cloths and couldn't do it.  I know I need to do it but just can't bring myself to. I guess that would be my realizing that she is gone. I don't want to believe it. It can't be true but it is. I have her ashes and she is not coming back. I have to realize that. I hate this. I have never been through this much pain. When does it get better, when does it end? I am thankful that my lovely wife and soulmate doesn't have to experience what I am going through. I would hate for her to feel this excruciating pain I am thankful for that.