Bad day/night....

I went to my cousin's funeral today... So much I could say.. so much I WANT to say... But there is no point... long story short, it was sad, and I've been thinking about suicide and death all day... no biggy....
And all I want is to hear one persons voice right now.. And for him to comfort me like he used to.. Tell me it'll all be okay.. Make me laugh, kick my ass on xbox.. I don't even care.. I just need him.. or another person.. But even if I could reach him, it'd be pointless..and the person I can reach I'm not going to.. Because,  once again, pointless... Why bother other people with my drama..? Only reason I even post here at is to vent because if someone reads it that was 100% their choice to look at it.. 
I'm trying soo fucking hard to not hurt myself tonight.. but I want this feeling to go away, even if it's only temporary.. I just want to disappear... I have absolutely no desire to be alive right now... Maybe I'm just too weak for life...