bad bad weekend, not sure which way to go
ok so my daughter and i had a bad weekend, she was edgy and lost her cool and let her emotions take over and as usual i took the brunt of it all, she hasnt lost it like that in a while, but mornings for her seem to be the worst. i try my best to do the right thing but no one sees it like i do, everyone says leave her alone when she looses it, just ignore her and when she wants to leave let her dont punish her just let it go.
i cant do that, i understand how she is, i understand the aspergers but letting her skate just cause she lost her temper and not try and teach her a lesson i cant do that. i have to explain to her what she did and why it was wrong and everything else. but all this stuff has caused alot more stress than needed at my house. my wife and i barely talk we havent slept in the same bed in 5 years, the kids sleep with her i sleep on the couch or in my man cave, everynight. and now she says she is lonely. she has joined this site called skout on her phone and talks to people, which is good i am glad she has friends, and no it does not bother me that its guys i talk to women on here but always do my best to be respectful, a few days ago, my wife says, i understand how you used to be now, i feel the same way,
in the beginning of our marriage i always took second seat to everything, her parents the kids whatever, we had alot of issues and i used to talk to people and she used to get upset with me, i said i cant stay alone my whole life, that did not matter to her, we still did things how we did them, i am not saying i am not to blame for how things are i know i have done my part to screw things up. but even thought i did think about cheating at one point, i never did it, a woman i worked with, with husband issues and i would talk and she wanted to pursue something more with me and i could not do it,.
i dont know how to t ake what my wife saide to me the other day, she said things are not great at home, if you feel the need to find another woman to satisfy a need you have, go for it, if you come home to me i wont care or say a word. i dont konw how to take that. i know that my wife is very open about things that she says, my daughter knows about her account on skout, the other day she said to me, are you and mom getting a divorce. i was confused by why she would say that. anyhow, i know that for the last 4 years my wife and ihave lived more like roommates as far as husband and wife things, but we never got the kids involved in anything we never or rarely fight in front of them, we do it when they are in school if there is an issue. so the kids well being is not being affected by this, or at least notvisibly. but the set back it would put both kids through if we split is something i cant live with especially with my oldest having aspergers, so i am torn on what to do
i cant do that, i understand how she is, i understand the aspergers but letting her skate just cause she lost her temper and not try and teach her a lesson i cant do that. i have to explain to her what she did and why it was wrong and everything else. but all this stuff has caused alot more stress than needed at my house. my wife and i barely talk we havent slept in the same bed in 5 years, the kids sleep with her i sleep on the couch or in my man cave, everynight. and now she says she is lonely. she has joined this site called skout on her phone and talks to people, which is good i am glad she has friends, and no it does not bother me that its guys i talk to women on here but always do my best to be respectful, a few days ago, my wife says, i understand how you used to be now, i feel the same way,
in the beginning of our marriage i always took second seat to everything, her parents the kids whatever, we had alot of issues and i used to talk to people and she used to get upset with me, i said i cant stay alone my whole life, that did not matter to her, we still did things how we did them, i am not saying i am not to blame for how things are i know i have done my part to screw things up. but even thought i did think about cheating at one point, i never did it, a woman i worked with, with husband issues and i would talk and she wanted to pursue something more with me and i could not do it,.
i dont know how to t ake what my wife saide to me the other day, she said things are not great at home, if you feel the need to find another woman to satisfy a need you have, go for it, if you come home to me i wont care or say a word. i dont konw how to take that. i know that my wife is very open about things that she says, my daughter knows about her account on skout, the other day she said to me, are you and mom getting a divorce. i was confused by why she would say that. anyhow, i know that for the last 4 years my wife and ihave lived more like roommates as far as husband and wife things, but we never got the kids involved in anything we never or rarely fight in front of them, we do it when they are in school if there is an issue. so the kids well being is not being affected by this, or at least notvisibly. but the set back it would put both kids through if we split is something i cant live with especially with my oldest having aspergers, so i am torn on what to do
Replies
Umm, you don\'t know me. I found your profile from the Asperger\'s board.
Just my opinion, but if your daughter\'s got problems regulating her emotions I wouldn\'t worry about her understanding your feelings in the moment, so much as work on helping her learn skills to regain control. (For now, you can be the strong one and understand more...) So the question is....What works for her? Deep breaths? Slowing down? Time to herself? Punching a punching bag (or pillow)? Hugging a pillow? Retreating to her own cave (room)?
When we feel better, we usually act better. And it\'s at that point that you\'re most likely going to get the most receptive response to telling her that you\'re feelings were hurt, or she made you feel angry, or whatever. And that\'s when you can tell her what gestures she can do to make it better (my kids know that tea and holding my hand helps me....and I know what helps them).
Life can be such a big struggle I wish I had all the right words to say..I have found what works best for me to get though life on lifes terms are daily readings from Gods word ...have you and your wife sat down and really just talked about the differnces in your lives and with out blaming each other try to come up with some thing to save your famliy. divorce is a hard thing on kids.I put my children though that when they were teenagers and if I could change the past that is the one thing I would have worked harder on , it is one of the most painfull things they can go thought in the most important times in growth...Please dont think i am trying to tell you what or how to run your life... just my personal experance . iam in recovery from alcohol 2yrs sobrity and with daily readings and a open mind set my life and situations are less complicated..Many blessings to you and your famliy ...
I am here to talk and am here to help when need be. I can see how everything is complicating for you. And while reading this entry I am a bit more than just sympathetic now. I don\'t know how to tell you to solve the issue with your wife or your daughter. You have to raise your daughter your way. She is your responsibility and it takes a great dad to be able to still know that she needs to be punished for her wrongs
I sure hope you can find a hppy medium.
I work with children and adults with special needs, from asperger syndrome to high needs autism. What works for one child may not work for another. People have good intentions by telling you what should and shouldn\'t do, but you as her father know her the best. How old are your kids? My husband and I are in the process of a separation. We should have done it years ago, but stay together for the kids as many couples do. They are now 20, 17 and 15 and have seen and heard a lot of things that they shouldn\'t have. Staying together for the kids is not always the right decision even though the intentions are good.
If you still love your wife and want to try and work it out, couples counseling may help, but if you think there is nothing left to save, then separating may be the best decision. Your daughter may be picking up on the tension between you and your wife which could be making behavioral worse.
If your wife does not want to see a counselor, then you should go on your own. I am going to see a counselor on Monday. I feel I need help dealing with what is going on in my life right now. it couldn\'t hurt to talk to someone.
I wish you the best of luck......Stay strong.
Christina
Why are you remaining with your wife? Do you love her? If you were to split, would she be able to keep the house through your daughter\'s schooling?