Bad Bad Days
Yesterday was a TERRIBLE day. Couldnt stop crying. Couldnt get his face out of my mind. Not his happy smiling face - the one I kept seeing was the one of terror of his last few days before they put him into an induced semi coma from which he never came back. That face haunts me.
It haunted me all night - couldn't sleep. Kept getting out of bed and shouting at the top of my voice but it didnt help. I never got to say goodbye, he was just gone and all I could do was sit by his bed holding his hand until he took his last breath. 10 Days since we had been told he was fine and to come back for a check up in 3 months and suddenly he was dead.
I had no time to think, or do, or help, I didn't get to speak to him - he was just gone and now I feel so deprived and guilty and the bad days and nights are always about that side of his death. I keep a written journal which helps a little with the rage and I hope that writing it here again will let me get it out of my system.
Today hasn't been great but a little better than yesterday and by tomorrow I will be back to a few days of as near normalcy as I get.
It haunted me all night - couldn't sleep. Kept getting out of bed and shouting at the top of my voice but it didnt help. I never got to say goodbye, he was just gone and all I could do was sit by his bed holding his hand until he took his last breath. 10 Days since we had been told he was fine and to come back for a check up in 3 months and suddenly he was dead.
I had no time to think, or do, or help, I didn't get to speak to him - he was just gone and now I feel so deprived and guilty and the bad days and nights are always about that side of his death. I keep a written journal which helps a little with the rage and I hope that writing it here again will let me get it out of my system.
Today hasn't been great but a little better than yesterday and by tomorrow I will be back to a few days of as near normalcy as I get.
Replies
I\'m sorry for your pain and your loss. Those moments burn our very soul. Can you divert your attention to a happier time by looking at a picture of when he was better? I know it doesn\'t matter help our loss of them but I do believe my husband is no longer burdened by this life. Sharon
I was not with Sam when he died. His brother found him in the pool. So I understand how it is to feel guilty and deprived. I found that focusing on the fact that we had 12 loving years together has helped me through some very dark days. I know other couples who have had far less. We were working toward the day when I could move to Florida to live with him, instead of each of us flying back and forth in order to spend time together.
I was loved unconditionally by a very special man ... AND SO WERE YOU!! Let that fact bring contentment to your heart.
Wishing you peace . . .
Thank you both.