So today was probably worse in some ways than yesterday. I didn't want to get up and then a few hours before therapy, I started getting really anxious about going to therapy. I took an Atavan so I could get over it and go to therapy, but then I just ended up hiding under my covers. I didn't want to be awake. I know that physiologically, my body is "better" than it was a few weeks ago. The problem is my mind seems adrift. I feel like I've lost focus. Before, I was in crisis, and didn't want to feel so painfully wretchedly sad and panicky. I don't feel so wretched anymore, now I just feel a bit numb. Like I'm not sure what I should be working toward. When I look at the days ahead of me, I don't have a clear plan for what I should be doing to get better. Last week in therapy, my therapist asked me to think about what would be good enough for me. I don't know. Good enough in my life is doing the best that I can at something and being proud of what I've done or created. I need to push myself forward and to be inspired to keep creating something new. It's hard to do that when you feel like you're doing the same thing over and over again - and still not doing that the best that you can. So in the meantime, I've been given a respite - some time to get myself together. I feel like I need to focus on the things that will balance me out and bring me back to interacting with my real life rather than floating through it. There is a huge list of things that need to be done soon. It's not a list of positive things and I am not looking forward to most of it. I need to find something positive to look forward to outside of the details of life that are so mind numbing yet necessary. I want to be healthy. Healthy means focusing on getting enough sleep, to eat, exercise and taking my meds on time as well as going to therapy. I have been failing on most of these accounts. I was moving from sleeping all day to just sleeping late and backslid into sleeping all day today. I did make myself get out of bed this evening, shower and actually eat and interact with my fiance. Some semblance of normalcy to get me out of my head where most likely I would have just been feeling bad about all of the things I haven't done that I need to do. Tomorrow is a new day. One thing at a time Wake up. Eat. Get eyes checked. Eat. Finish work. Go for a walk?? We'll see. I'll try this schedule tomorrow. See how many days in a row I can get it going. I'm just in a bubble. And I'm not sad or angry. I just am listless and sort of numb. I in that place where I could, if I just step my toe out, definitely be really pissed at myself that I haven't been getting more done. This sucks.