Back to the lows

I've been up and down for the last few months with only a few moments of clarity. Three weeks ago, I was considering suicide and was distracting myself by working ridiculously hard. Two weeks ago, things were good, I was relaxing after a period of high stress at work. Then last week, I was high on energy, couldn't sit still, couldn't get my brain to shut up or slow down. Today, I feel like I've hit rock bottom again. I'm exhausted from a week of expending so much energy and I'm so sad that I'm going to be alone this weekend. I want to curl up and cuddle my Mr for two days, surrounded by pillows and blankets. Yet again, I want to die, find a painless and quick way out.

I've been avoiding everyone too, avoiding conversations. I don't want anyone to notice that I can't focus, can't stay on track. It could lose me my job and it prevents me from getting help.

Why is coping with day to day life so difficult?