Back to square one
For the past few weeks I have felt like I'm back at square one. I had begun to try to start dating again because I thought I was ready. Nope. Just talking to someone gave me an almost panic attack. I felt like I was doing something wrong, even though I kept reminding myself that I wasn't. Be even beyond that, I don't want to be with anyone else. I want him. I miss him. I moved my rings back to my left hand. I'm going to leave the whole dating thing alone for now, obviously I'm not ready!
6 years ago today I stood at the front counter of the restaurant I worked at killing time before we opened. I couldn't get my mind off of the guy who I'd met a couple months before that worked in our shopping center. I debated back and forth on going over to invite him over for lunch. I finally decided to just do it. So I walked out our front door and across the parking lot. Except I didn't stop at his building, I kept going. 'Your so stupid, just do it. I'll go in on my way back, or maybe he'll just happen to be outside when I head back' my thoughts were all over the place. I went into the gas station and grabbed a drink and breakfast. I headed back to my store but still chickened out. By that time some of the other girls were there and I told them about my morning. They all said I should have just done it. Nothing else was said until about 1:00 when the lunch ryah was dying down. one girl went home and our sections got a little bigger. Since I had a new section and we were in the middle of shift change I was double sat. I was not feeling it and wanted to go home. One of the other girls said she would take the one table because 'the guy is really hot'. I joked about me being the one trying to date again, but let her take the table. My table was right next to that one and when I went to take their drink orders I looked up and realized it was him. My heart started to race and so did my mind. Everyone decided that one way or another he was leaving with my number. I didn't think I could do it, so much so that one of the other girls wrote my nunber down. Then finally I said give me that & ask the girl who was waiting on them for their check. I walked over to the table,asked them howeverything was. Then I placed the check on the table 'this is for yall' and placing my hand on the table with the folded piece of paper under it I slid my hand across the table and said 'and this is for you' never in my life had I ever done anything like that. Chances were I'd never hear from him, but hey at least I'd done it. Then that afternoon while I was on my way to pick up my son I got a text, and the rest is history. Even now, 6 years later, I remember it clear as day. I even remember the nervousness I felt. I want so badly to go back and do it all again.
it's hard to explain the struggle that goes on when all you want is to see, talk to, touch someone who's gone. It's almost like pushing against a locked steal door. No matter how hard you push its never going to open. But you still want it to more than anything in the world.
6 years ago today I stood at the front counter of the restaurant I worked at killing time before we opened. I couldn't get my mind off of the guy who I'd met a couple months before that worked in our shopping center. I debated back and forth on going over to invite him over for lunch. I finally decided to just do it. So I walked out our front door and across the parking lot. Except I didn't stop at his building, I kept going. 'Your so stupid, just do it. I'll go in on my way back, or maybe he'll just happen to be outside when I head back' my thoughts were all over the place. I went into the gas station and grabbed a drink and breakfast. I headed back to my store but still chickened out. By that time some of the other girls were there and I told them about my morning. They all said I should have just done it. Nothing else was said until about 1:00 when the lunch ryah was dying down. one girl went home and our sections got a little bigger. Since I had a new section and we were in the middle of shift change I was double sat. I was not feeling it and wanted to go home. One of the other girls said she would take the one table because 'the guy is really hot'. I joked about me being the one trying to date again, but let her take the table. My table was right next to that one and when I went to take their drink orders I looked up and realized it was him. My heart started to race and so did my mind. Everyone decided that one way or another he was leaving with my number. I didn't think I could do it, so much so that one of the other girls wrote my nunber down. Then finally I said give me that & ask the girl who was waiting on them for their check. I walked over to the table,asked them howeverything was. Then I placed the check on the table 'this is for yall' and placing my hand on the table with the folded piece of paper under it I slid my hand across the table and said 'and this is for you' never in my life had I ever done anything like that. Chances were I'd never hear from him, but hey at least I'd done it. Then that afternoon while I was on my way to pick up my son I got a text, and the rest is history. Even now, 6 years later, I remember it clear as day. I even remember the nervousness I felt. I want so badly to go back and do it all again.
it's hard to explain the struggle that goes on when all you want is to see, talk to, touch someone who's gone. It's almost like pushing against a locked steal door. No matter how hard you push its never going to open. But you still want it to more than anything in the world.
Replies
I feel you girl. people kept telling me I\'ll find someone else when I could not even think of looking. I miss him, I want him back. I have not washed the last polo shirt he wore. I wanna believe that someday I could move on. It\'s good that you at least tried. a small step at a time.