back to reality...
Well, i got to see my sons tonight! was very happy to see them! I got to actually see sarah and speak with her for a few minutes. She looked very beautiful, as usual. She is very cute, as she had just finished her dinner, and had some crumbs on her chest as usual, lol. (she isnt a slob, just think that its cute she does that). I miss her beautiful smile in real life. I see the pictures every day in my house, but it just isnt the same. I miss her loving touch and holding her. I would give anything just to have one long lasting hug from her. No kiss, just a hug. My wife's hugs could cure any ailment of mine. Just the amount of love she puts into each one.
Anyways, i was talking about missing out on my family earlier. I just simply hate missing out on my family, and have a hard time dealing with the fact that i have. Stuff that i cannot ever replace or do over again, and it torments me from within. I now have promised myself, sarah, and my boys, that i am forever here for them, no matter the situation. i will never abondon my family for anything. If it means losing a job, then so be it. God has a plan for us all, and if it comes to that, i am sure it is because of his ultimate plan. missing out on my family because of choices i made, also wear down on my heart and mind a lot. I am always feeling bad because of that. When Sarah was at a wedding in CA, i felt really bad, because i had to work and couldnt go. I could not get off work to go to any of her grandparents funerals. She needed me then, and i was not there. I remember being pissed because i could not get off work, and had the answer, 'if you dont show, dont come back,' from my bosses at the time. I didnt want to lose my ability to provide for my family, so i chose to stay. I realize that my actions then were not honorable towards my family. Kind of a 'good initiative, bad judgment call' against my part. I personally also believe that when problems arise in my personal life, i work harder at work to compensate. I dont know why yet. I am searching deep inside and still cannot find an answer. I am doing one step at a time. I cant really think of anything else to write about right now, so i am going to take a quick nap before work. I still am working a few shifts for our security company, just to earn a few bucks here and there. Still looking for a better paying job that is during the day. I will read some of "keep the change" tonight and reflect. I need to learn to juggle that and life. Kind of creeping up on me sometimes.
Anyways, i was talking about missing out on my family earlier. I just simply hate missing out on my family, and have a hard time dealing with the fact that i have. Stuff that i cannot ever replace or do over again, and it torments me from within. I now have promised myself, sarah, and my boys, that i am forever here for them, no matter the situation. i will never abondon my family for anything. If it means losing a job, then so be it. God has a plan for us all, and if it comes to that, i am sure it is because of his ultimate plan. missing out on my family because of choices i made, also wear down on my heart and mind a lot. I am always feeling bad because of that. When Sarah was at a wedding in CA, i felt really bad, because i had to work and couldnt go. I could not get off work to go to any of her grandparents funerals. She needed me then, and i was not there. I remember being pissed because i could not get off work, and had the answer, 'if you dont show, dont come back,' from my bosses at the time. I didnt want to lose my ability to provide for my family, so i chose to stay. I realize that my actions then were not honorable towards my family. Kind of a 'good initiative, bad judgment call' against my part. I personally also believe that when problems arise in my personal life, i work harder at work to compensate. I dont know why yet. I am searching deep inside and still cannot find an answer. I am doing one step at a time. I cant really think of anything else to write about right now, so i am going to take a quick nap before work. I still am working a few shifts for our security company, just to earn a few bucks here and there. Still looking for a better paying job that is during the day. I will read some of "keep the change" tonight and reflect. I need to learn to juggle that and life. Kind of creeping up on me sometimes.
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