back to normal

                   when school goes back to normal i'm sure i'll be okay. i'm not right now, but i'm sure i've just had too much time to think, which is never a good think if your me. everytime i lay on my couch and my mind wanders it wanders to the same place. and i think to myself, what are you doing? why are you going there? i know who i am, i know i'm gay, but even still i'm having the hardest time accepting it and i dont want that to be the case anymore. when i tell her the truth, maybe i'll feel better. i have this anxiety over everything now, i've always had anxiety attacks, but now they never seem to completely go away. everynight i'm exhausted becasue i've spent the whole day in this tense anxious state, caught between utter dread of something i have no idea about, and tight fear that makes my heart feel likes it being squeezed to death. i can take this much longer. this is something  hope will pass. My mother says to me today as we're watching Ellen, her old show, not the talk show, she says to me "i dont believe a person can be bisexual, i just think they want an excuse to have it all" it never upset me too much before, but this time i got a little annoyed. after joing ds and reading so many stories filled with so much conflict and looking at my own conflict, how could she say that. but she doesn't know... how could she understand a world she's never really seen, beside on television. if i keep on this way, i'll be the only homosexual in the history of my family, both sides and extended reletives. yeah me! :( it's not that i dont love who i am, because i do, but i'm so desprate to be happy and i dont see that happen the way my life is right now, not for a while, years even. i guess i want to have life both ways. be able to say " oh that guy is hot" simply because he's a good looking guy without getting strange but your gay looks and also able to date girls without any trouble. but for this to happen i would have to first tell people i'm gay and hope theres some sort of understanding and second of all tell people i'm gay so that i can actually find someone... i'll never tell my parents. if there was a way to tell certain members of my family and not my parents i would do that.