Back to crying

I keep going through a whole array of emotions...except joy and happiness...haven't felt those since before Tommy got sick.  I go from depressed to thoughtful, to profoundly sad, then to nothing...Yesterday at the funeral, I swear I felt him pass through me as I was reading his eulogy...today I was going over and over in my mind that my husband is gone, and 'Alive' by Pearl Jam came on the radio at that moment...I was at the skytrain station, so the radio reception wasn't very good...but at one point, they lyrics 'I'm still alive' blasted out loud and clear through the static...going crazy?  Maybe...but it made me feel better, for that moment...I was able to get home before the deluge of tears started again...
I've set up a little memorial in the corner of the living room next to the tv...a small wooden night stand we had in the bedroom with flowers, pictures and some of his poetry...when his remains are ready to be picked up I'll be placing them there...my son, who is autistic, keeps going over there...I think he knows...he saw his dad for the last time yesterday before they closed the casket, and he gently placed his hand on his head, the way he did at the hospital when it was time to say 'good bye'...I still can't figure out if he really knows what's going on...
It wasn't like we weren't expecting this to happen...the doctors were very clear when they told me he had only a few weeks at best...and putting him into a Hospice should have told me something...but I couldn't accept it..I just kept hoping and praying for a miracle, and I think, maybe...I allowed myself to become too 'hopeful'...I was hoping that, at the very least, he would get a little stronger so I could bring him home for his last days...but that didn't happen...and I still feel guilty for that...I will be bringing his remains home, but...it's not really the same thing.
I think after Easter weekend is over, I will seek some kind of professional help...just not handling this well at all...