Back On Meds

I couldn't do the taper anymore. I'm back on my meds, almost all of them. The only changes I made were to keep tapering the Neurontin, and just taking 2mg of Risperdal. I haven't been hallucinating since that bout last week, so I figure I'm fine with 2mg. If I do start to hallucinate again, I can just increase it to the 4mg I was taking before. I just didn't want to go too fast with that one, since that's the medicine that was most likely causing my akathesia. I don't know why it did.. I was on it for almost a year before I got the akathesia, but I have a feeling it had something to do with me starting the Neurontin. I started getting the akathesia when I was taking the Neurontin and all my other meds. I thought the Neurontin at first was the thing causing the akathesia, but after stopping it the first time the akathesia didn't stop. So it had to be something else, but I think the Neurontin was the thing that tipped it off. I'm just glad to be done with all that. I'm not shaking, I don't have akathesia, but I just started back on my meds late last night.
I had to. I got the closest I ever want to get to crazy. I don't know how to describe it. I had almost no control over my body. I was shaking, twitching, and felt like rocking back and forth for comfort. I couldn't control all my thoughts, and they were out there. I kept on mentally trying to get myself back in line, where I knew I would be okay, but I couldn't. At one point I wondered if I lost my mind if I could come back. What would happen to the rational part of me if I snapped? Would I be stuck in my own mind, a prisoner who will never be released? Or would I be totally gone, and never able to come back? I decided I didn't want to know, and got out the pills. I don't feel like a failure, at least not most of the time. I had to do what I needed to be done to keep myself safe. And sane. I don't ever want to come that close to insanity again.
I know I didn't journal yesterday. I went online early, and checked my email and did my stuff, and then I started reading. I think that was my downfall. I got lost in a book, and when I get lost in a book, I get lost. I didn't want to stop reading. I read until midnight, when I forced myself to put down the book and try and sleep. I was tired. I thought I would fall asleep easily, but instead I found myself at war in my own head. I should have written a journal, but the thought was far from my head. Besides, I don't think it would have made much sense anyway. I was just going back and forth between my world and the world of the book (Black House, by Stephen King and Peter Straub, the sequel to The Talisman). I just wanted to go to sleep, but I was distracted by going crazy. I had to take 2mg of klonopin to get myself to go to sleep.
Today I felt a bit of that insanity around the edges, but I've been able to keep myself here so far. I'm hoping as the medicines kick in, that I'm able to banish those feelings into a bad memory. I want to be able to go to work tomorrow. I had lost track of the days yesterday, forgot it was Sunday and that I was supposed to be at work today, so that's why I had let myself stay up until midnight. If I had remembered, I would have gone to bed earlier. I woke up today with a hurt knee, and with my hips still hurting a bit, so I decided to take one more day off before I went in. I have to go in tomorrow, at least walk to the clinic to get Geo's pills. His Prozac has been there since Thursday, and I need to get it soon. He's been without it for a couple weeks now, so I want to get it back into his system soon. I'm glad he's not going through withdrawals from it. I just haven't been able to get myself to go to the clinic. I didn't want the women from work seeing me.
Food today was bad... I did manage to make it over 1,000 calories today, which for the past couple of days is good, but I've just been not hungry. I'm kinda hungry now, so I might go get something to eat if there's something. I don't know what, maybe a bagel and cream cheese. I had a piece of chicken for breakfast, rice for lunch, and chicken and pasta for dinner. I also had Gatorade again. My stomach has seemed to calm down for now, and I'm keeping food in. At least I'm not living in the bathroom anymore. Mood today was bad (going insane is never a good thing) and stress was out of control. Sleep last night was good... I got about 11 hours. I'm tired now, time for me to be turning in!