Back in the saddle again

Feel like I fell out of the world for awhile. Kinda like I took a nose dive into a lot of things, and just beating up my body a lot. Well, I got a little tired of it because, as usual where I know it will lead me is pretty scary. Almost lost a good friend because of it, and that hurt a lot. Sometimes it just seems like life can be a never ending struggle. Not sure if it`s because I`m getting older or what, but it seems like it gets harder, and harder to keep things together. I`ve been having a lot of pain lately in my chest. I`ve beel very tired, and just drained of energy. I wasn`t eating very well, and that complicated things. My lungs haven`t been sounding to good, and I get a bad cough a lot in the mornigs. I got myself a bit scared today because I started to think it might be cancer or something. I got on the internet and looked up the symptoms, and I do feel a lot of the ways they wrote about. I phoned the Dr`s office today and made an apointment, but I think I might put that off until next week. That damned trip to London set me back quit a bit financialy, and I`m scrambling trying to make up for it. Really causing some worrying. Life can really get a little scary when your on your own. I can`t afford to get sick, but I suppose if it`s going to happen you just have to deal with it. Today was really a day of hell in the morning. Seemed like I was just fighting with everything, and everyone. Mostly because of financial issues. I really hate that. It did get me mad enough to buckle up tho, and just focuse on getting my shit together. The day ended a lot better because of that. I did work for Paul, and got one issue half dealt with. Anyway, I`m going to work my ass off for the next few days just to get this shit of my mind. I worked for Bob a few days, and as usual that agravated me like no tomorow. I know some of that is my fault. Actually most of it. When I get into these moods, and let myself get buggered up, I can really bring a lot of problems onto myself. Anyway, it`s another day, and time to get moving. Feels good to get on D.S, and back to writting. That really does help me a lot, but I just didn`t even have the energy to do that. Makes me feel like a hypocrite when I`m not well. A lot of people say they like the things I write to them, but when I`m down I sure don`t practise the things I write about, and that only makes things worse, because then I start to isolate from everyone, and that can really make matters worse. I do a lot better when I`m involved with others in recovery. On my own I can really mess myself up. I am back now tho. Hope it stays that way. Even my cats are happy tonight. They know when things are well. When it`s not, I just don`t seem to have even the energy for them. That makes me feel really bad, because I want them to be happy. When I feel good we play a lot, and I get on the floor with them. We meow at each other, and talk. They really love when I get the brush out and brush them. They cuddle and lick each other while I`m doing it, and I love seeing this. Tonight they are happy, and I really thank God for that. Thank you Lord for helping me, and please help me to stop struggling so much.