back in MA
Well, it's been a couple of days since I last wrote. The last entry was not very positive. Things had not gone well with Matt. Wednesday morning I was supposed to get on a bus and head back to MA. I felt too terrible about leaving things the way we had on Tuesday night, so I took a huge risk and decided to stay an extra day and try to have a do-over.
I spent the day doing Matt's laundry, cleaning up around the house, grocery shopping and cooking a big dinner for the two of us. I sent him a long email asking for a just a nice night at home being a married couple. I didn't get everything I wanted (he did not wear his wedding ring, and I had to sleep on the couch) but it was a decent start. I'd like to believe that he is warming up to the idea of letting me back into his heart.
One thing that I did tell him that I'm going to stick to is that I'm not going to move back home until he's had a few individual therapy sessions. I'm not even going to ask him about moving back home. I'm only going to ask him if he's found a therapist yet. I'm not even going to ask him that until February.
Thursday morning I did get up and get on the bus and head back to MA. The bus ride was just fine. It didn't take too long. I started to feel a little weird but it passed and I was fine. The ride home from Boston wasn't great. My niece Bella got horribly sick and it took us nearly three hours to get home as a result. It's not her fault of course, but it was not fun.
Matt checked in via text last night to make sure I'd made it back safely. I haven't heard from him since. I'm not sure when I expect to. I'm still required to let him initiate all contact. I'm just going to try to get through one day at a time.
Today was a very lazy day. I didn't sleep too late but I didn't get dressed either. I've been in Pajamas all day watching tv, movies, and playing on Facebook. Mom didn't feel well today so we just stayed in. Though I doubt we'd have gone out if she'd been feeling fit as a fiddle. Tomorrow I'll at least be occupied for a bit because my Grandmother is coming up from CT. Why I had to travel 5 hours to MA, when she only lives a little over an hour from me to see her is beyond me. If I hadn't come though I'd be in big trouble.
Who knows what the rest of my time here will hold. I'd like to see Amanda at some point, and Trish too. And of course I'll see Nana, and Auntie Wendy and hopefully Auntie and Heidi too. I've also got to formulate a plan for the next month. I've got my third therapy appointment on Tuesday. I'll make my fourth for the following week. I'm not quite sure what to do after that.
That will bring me to the end of January. The smart thing I guess would be to make my 5th therapy appointment for Tuesday February third, and then my sixth for Friday the 13th. Then I can come back to MA for another 8 days. I know that I should hunker down and get a job but I'm still not sure how to go about doing it. We'll see if I hear from Matt any time while I'm in MA.
I have to say that I'm starting to get really mad at him for being so mad at me. I've forgiven him for all the things that he's done to me. He seems to forget all the hurt he's caused me and is just so focused on what I've done to him. I'm growing very tired of being villainized.
I'm not saying that I've not done wrong, because I have - but he keeps throwing all of this righteous indignation in my face and he has not ONCE apologized to me for all the pain he has caused me. Not specifically. He has apologized in general terms, but not for specific things. I honestly don't care except he keeps treating me like I was the only one who behaved badly and if only I had made different choices we wouldn't be in this predicament.
He probably doesn't feel that way deep down, but right now it feels an awful lot like I'm being blamed for the entire thing. Furthermore, I'm also being punished for my mistakes. This is the time when I would normally do something out of spite to get back at him but I'm not going to do that. Even though I am at times very angry for the way he has treated me in the past, and for the way I'm being treated right now for that matter I'm going to do my best to focus on the love that I feel for him and the hope that I have that we will have a strong future.
I'm still worried about his family and the influence they have over how this will all turn out. If every time Matt tells them of our progress they encourage him to leave me it's going to be very difficult for me to convince him that he should ignore his families wishes. In the back of his mind, he's always going to keep it that they don't like me and they don't like us together and that they don't want me to be a part of their lives anymore.
It hurts me a lot too. They don't know everything that happened between us over the past seven years. They only know a very brief amount of what has happened over the past few months. I grant them that what they do know is NOT flattering to me, but they can't even acknowledge that there is more to the story that they have no idea about? They have to go around saying that we don't belong together and he should get out as fast as he can? It's going to take a lot for me to forgive them for all of that. For Matt's sake though I will do it.
I don't know. This whole situation is so complicated and every time I feel like it's maybe taking a small step forward I find that I'm no closer to getting out of the maze I seem to be in. Here I am more than halfway through the month of January and I'm no closer to being home than I was the day I left.
Right now it feels like I could file for divorce and Matt wouldn't even care. I mean, I know that he would care and that it would sadden him. I don't think it would make him want to fight for our marriage though. I think it would make him feel sad and defeated and withdraw completely and then I'd never see him again.
Matt has never wanted to fight for our marriage. He has never wanted to work for it. He has always wanted it to be easy and anytime it wasn't easy he just buried his head in the sand and pretended like everything was okay. Matt wants to be angry with me and go days and days without speaking to me - well fine. I am NOT going to call him text him email me or contact him in ANY way. I may not even answer when he calls and see how he likes it.
I'm a good guy. I'm sweet, funny, romantic, good looking, and pretty damn good in bed. I am a catch. Matt is too, but at least I know that he is. At least I appreciate him for what he is. Matt has not appreciated me and what I have to offer in years, honestly since before we got married. This whole past month I've been wondering what I have to do to earn him back - but he has no desire to earn me back. He probably doesn't even think that he needs to.
If he wants me back this time he's going to have to choose me. He has NEVER chosen me over anything before. Even from the very beginning he chose Nick over me. I wish I could go back in time to that night that I told him he had to choose between Nick and me, when we were sitting in his car. I wish I'd made him take me right home and that I'd stuck to my guns.
I've made so many mistakes over the years. God only knows how my life would have turned out if I'd only made better choices. The very first, and maybe the only thing I might have had to change, would be that I would have done more homework in high school. Not just homework, but I wish that I had gotten better grades in everything. If I had done even just 5 more homework assignments per class I would have had better grades and I probably would have had a better GPA which means I'd have gotten into a better school. Anyway I wish I had at the very least never gotten an F in any class.
It's hard to say what else I'd have changed about my life because if I had done better in school who knows how things would have ended up. Even if I had done significantly better at school, I really wish I had taken one year off between high school and whatever happened after that. I wasn't ready to be off on my own and I should have taken the time to grow up and mature a little bit before heading off to the city. Even if I had just waiting one semester before starting at AMDA I think things would have turned out differently. I wonder if Jon and I would still be together? We probably would have stayed together longer that's for sure.
Ah well, it's pointless to look back and wish that things could have been different. Unless someone invents a time machine and allows me to use it there is nothing that can be done about any of it. What is important though is to use it and learn from it for the future. It's just so hard to plan for my future at all right now.
I'd like to set up an appointment for having headshots taken for while I'm in the New York area. Some time between the 23rd of Jan and the 2nd of February. If I can do that then when I am in the city, if there are auditions than I can go. Okay, it's part four AM and I should really try to get to bed.
I spent the day doing Matt's laundry, cleaning up around the house, grocery shopping and cooking a big dinner for the two of us. I sent him a long email asking for a just a nice night at home being a married couple. I didn't get everything I wanted (he did not wear his wedding ring, and I had to sleep on the couch) but it was a decent start. I'd like to believe that he is warming up to the idea of letting me back into his heart.
One thing that I did tell him that I'm going to stick to is that I'm not going to move back home until he's had a few individual therapy sessions. I'm not even going to ask him about moving back home. I'm only going to ask him if he's found a therapist yet. I'm not even going to ask him that until February.
Thursday morning I did get up and get on the bus and head back to MA. The bus ride was just fine. It didn't take too long. I started to feel a little weird but it passed and I was fine. The ride home from Boston wasn't great. My niece Bella got horribly sick and it took us nearly three hours to get home as a result. It's not her fault of course, but it was not fun.
Matt checked in via text last night to make sure I'd made it back safely. I haven't heard from him since. I'm not sure when I expect to. I'm still required to let him initiate all contact. I'm just going to try to get through one day at a time.
Today was a very lazy day. I didn't sleep too late but I didn't get dressed either. I've been in Pajamas all day watching tv, movies, and playing on Facebook. Mom didn't feel well today so we just stayed in. Though I doubt we'd have gone out if she'd been feeling fit as a fiddle. Tomorrow I'll at least be occupied for a bit because my Grandmother is coming up from CT. Why I had to travel 5 hours to MA, when she only lives a little over an hour from me to see her is beyond me. If I hadn't come though I'd be in big trouble.
Who knows what the rest of my time here will hold. I'd like to see Amanda at some point, and Trish too. And of course I'll see Nana, and Auntie Wendy and hopefully Auntie and Heidi too. I've also got to formulate a plan for the next month. I've got my third therapy appointment on Tuesday. I'll make my fourth for the following week. I'm not quite sure what to do after that.
That will bring me to the end of January. The smart thing I guess would be to make my 5th therapy appointment for Tuesday February third, and then my sixth for Friday the 13th. Then I can come back to MA for another 8 days. I know that I should hunker down and get a job but I'm still not sure how to go about doing it. We'll see if I hear from Matt any time while I'm in MA.
I have to say that I'm starting to get really mad at him for being so mad at me. I've forgiven him for all the things that he's done to me. He seems to forget all the hurt he's caused me and is just so focused on what I've done to him. I'm growing very tired of being villainized.
I'm not saying that I've not done wrong, because I have - but he keeps throwing all of this righteous indignation in my face and he has not ONCE apologized to me for all the pain he has caused me. Not specifically. He has apologized in general terms, but not for specific things. I honestly don't care except he keeps treating me like I was the only one who behaved badly and if only I had made different choices we wouldn't be in this predicament.
He probably doesn't feel that way deep down, but right now it feels an awful lot like I'm being blamed for the entire thing. Furthermore, I'm also being punished for my mistakes. This is the time when I would normally do something out of spite to get back at him but I'm not going to do that. Even though I am at times very angry for the way he has treated me in the past, and for the way I'm being treated right now for that matter I'm going to do my best to focus on the love that I feel for him and the hope that I have that we will have a strong future.
I'm still worried about his family and the influence they have over how this will all turn out. If every time Matt tells them of our progress they encourage him to leave me it's going to be very difficult for me to convince him that he should ignore his families wishes. In the back of his mind, he's always going to keep it that they don't like me and they don't like us together and that they don't want me to be a part of their lives anymore.
It hurts me a lot too. They don't know everything that happened between us over the past seven years. They only know a very brief amount of what has happened over the past few months. I grant them that what they do know is NOT flattering to me, but they can't even acknowledge that there is more to the story that they have no idea about? They have to go around saying that we don't belong together and he should get out as fast as he can? It's going to take a lot for me to forgive them for all of that. For Matt's sake though I will do it.
I don't know. This whole situation is so complicated and every time I feel like it's maybe taking a small step forward I find that I'm no closer to getting out of the maze I seem to be in. Here I am more than halfway through the month of January and I'm no closer to being home than I was the day I left.
Right now it feels like I could file for divorce and Matt wouldn't even care. I mean, I know that he would care and that it would sadden him. I don't think it would make him want to fight for our marriage though. I think it would make him feel sad and defeated and withdraw completely and then I'd never see him again.
Matt has never wanted to fight for our marriage. He has never wanted to work for it. He has always wanted it to be easy and anytime it wasn't easy he just buried his head in the sand and pretended like everything was okay. Matt wants to be angry with me and go days and days without speaking to me - well fine. I am NOT going to call him text him email me or contact him in ANY way. I may not even answer when he calls and see how he likes it.
I'm a good guy. I'm sweet, funny, romantic, good looking, and pretty damn good in bed. I am a catch. Matt is too, but at least I know that he is. At least I appreciate him for what he is. Matt has not appreciated me and what I have to offer in years, honestly since before we got married. This whole past month I've been wondering what I have to do to earn him back - but he has no desire to earn me back. He probably doesn't even think that he needs to.
If he wants me back this time he's going to have to choose me. He has NEVER chosen me over anything before. Even from the very beginning he chose Nick over me. I wish I could go back in time to that night that I told him he had to choose between Nick and me, when we were sitting in his car. I wish I'd made him take me right home and that I'd stuck to my guns.
I've made so many mistakes over the years. God only knows how my life would have turned out if I'd only made better choices. The very first, and maybe the only thing I might have had to change, would be that I would have done more homework in high school. Not just homework, but I wish that I had gotten better grades in everything. If I had done even just 5 more homework assignments per class I would have had better grades and I probably would have had a better GPA which means I'd have gotten into a better school. Anyway I wish I had at the very least never gotten an F in any class.
It's hard to say what else I'd have changed about my life because if I had done better in school who knows how things would have ended up. Even if I had done significantly better at school, I really wish I had taken one year off between high school and whatever happened after that. I wasn't ready to be off on my own and I should have taken the time to grow up and mature a little bit before heading off to the city. Even if I had just waiting one semester before starting at AMDA I think things would have turned out differently. I wonder if Jon and I would still be together? We probably would have stayed together longer that's for sure.
Ah well, it's pointless to look back and wish that things could have been different. Unless someone invents a time machine and allows me to use it there is nothing that can be done about any of it. What is important though is to use it and learn from it for the future. It's just so hard to plan for my future at all right now.
I'd like to set up an appointment for having headshots taken for while I'm in the New York area. Some time between the 23rd of Jan and the 2nd of February. If I can do that then when I am in the city, if there are auditions than I can go. Okay, it's part four AM and I should really try to get to bed.
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