Back in hell.

Wow. It's been three years since my last entry. Well life is so different now. I was on a path to healing so nicely and took a turn for the worst. I am still smoking no longer drinking but managed In the past three years to sustain a nasty toxic relationship an opiate addiction as well as had important people to me pass away. I'm in an extremely emotionally abusive relationship. I have been on methadone for two years as I was addicted to oxycodone. I have weaned myself down from sixty Mls to 4 and am trying to jump off but it's nearly impossible with all the shit that comes crashing through my mind since I've been numb for so long. Plus having an unsupportive person still doing Oxys to this day and taking my methadone as well on the side and calling me names and a bitch on a daily basis as I detox is hard. My ex died last year and I have not been able to reach out to his family nor go to his funeral as my current boyfriend is so jealous if he found out I was even talking about him I would probably be beaten. But my ex and I were best friends for three years so it is very hard for me at this moment to forget as I've been numb since well before his death. All my last mistakes experiences memories problems are all jumping to the surface after two years of numbness from methadone. I know I've made it so far with my taper but I'm on a waiting list to get into medical detox so I am having such a roUgh time. I can't have a diary around here or my ex will find and read and flip so I've turned back to here. As he has no clue what this site is. Or has never heard of it. I wish that this site had an opiate addiction help group but I only found heroin which is much different then methadone. I no longer drink which is a bonus but I have gained weight and am up to 150 again. I just am at such a loss in my life I really wanted this new year to be healing but it is so hard for me. I'm trying just to focus on quitting methadone but when everything comes pouring to the surface and u get restless as fuck from withdrawals it is so much to handle. I know I'm strong but I just feel like I'm breaking daily. I can't go a day without crying but I know I need to be free of this addiction I am 28 and this year 29 but I want kids a family a life to travel and I can't do my of that picking up a prescription weekly. I can't work can barely eat can't sleep for longer then two hours at a time and am just altogether a mess. I feel so alone even tho I know I have a handful of supports they just aren't here their only available by distance. Writing this has somewhat relieved everything cooped up inside for the time being but I know I will re entry probably three times a day because I have o other outlet I can't speak to my partner about anything without verbal abuse short temper or name calling so I guess you could say I'm in my own personal little hell. But I do know I will survive this I've survived everything else life has thrown my way. Just need to stay strong.