Back home....

So going to NJ was a good thing, for the most part. The first 4-5 days were good. Being with Brian was good. He let me do what I needed to do--if I wanted to talk, he'd listen, if I just wanted to hang out and watch tv, we did that, if I wanted to be alone, I was alone. One morning I was having a good hard cry and he came in my room and just held me and let me cry, and cry, and cry until I was exhausted, then he covered me over, kissed my forehead and let me go back to sleep for awhile. 

Sunday I went up to visit Maggie (my sister-in-law). On the way up I stopped by my parents' graves--haven't been there in a long time.  Had a talk with my mom--if there's a heaven, you already know about Leslie--she's there with you, and Bill. My brother Bill had a habit of renaming people close to him. When we were much younger he decided he'd rather he had two brothers than two sisters and after that always called me Sam, and my sister George. Leslie for some reason became "Elvis". After Bill died Leslie said that no one would ever call her Elvis again. After Leslie became so ill I had a vision one day of Leslie going to heaven and her uncle coming up to her and saying "Hey Elvis!" It made me smile. I hope that did happen.

It was good to see Maggie. She is honestly one of the nicest people I know. Her brother died just two days after Leslie. She lost another brother last year. We talked a lot about the people we lost, how we handled it, how we grieved. I ended up staying much longer than I expected--Brian called and asked if I was planning to be home for dinner--I hadn't realized it was that late. I ended up going out and getting sandwiches for me and Maggie and we talked a long time. 

Brian's son Matt has had problems with drugs and alcohol for years--since he was a teenager. He's been straight for about 5 months now, but Bri's a nervous wreck that he's going to go back again. It's a shame, Matt's a really nice, polite young man when he's straight. Brian doesn't trust him though. Keeps expecting something to go wrong. 

Knowing the history, I wasn't too surprised to be woken up Wednesday morning by the two of them having a fight. I'm not even sure what, if anything, really happened, but Bri was going off at Matt. I really felt like going out there, telling Brian to be thankful he still HAS his son, and telling Matt that his dad's so afraid of losing him, or him being hurt, and to try and keep himself together. That I know that they love each other. Maybe I should have said something. I didn't think it was my place, though. And listening to them fight upset me. I WISH I could fight with Leslie. Instead I just packed up my things, wrote them a note telling them to love and take care of each other, and that I loved them, and thanks, and left. Cowardly--maybe--I just wanted out of there.

I was going to Shari's that day anyway. Cousin Shari is I think the only person in Les' stepdad's family who really "got" Leslie. I told Shari that, and she agreed. Said she always loved and admired Leslie for who she was. She's much like Leslie. Artistic, with a definite dark side, frequently depressed, but a good. loving person. That was another visit that went way longer than expected. We went out to lunch and sat for a long time afterwards just talking--it was mid-afternoon and the place was empty anyway. Then we went to the toy shop next door and bought presents for our respective granddaughters. Went back to Shari's and talked still more. 

I did want to get down to the shore that day, so I left before rush hour. Went to the beach and just walked, and sat, and thought, and talked to Leslie. Once rush hour was over I got on the road and came home. Two days earlier than planned, but that's OK. 

Cried a lot this week. That was good. I needed to do it. I have been waking up really depressed the past few days. Guess that's to be expected. I called my therapist and told her I was back early, and could she fit me in. Saw her today. I'm going back to seeing her one day a week and going to one of the bereavement support groups another day. The one I want to go to is during the day Monday--I was told that group was more people my age--the Thursday night group was generally younger. I'm sure my boss will let me take an early lunch every other Monday. See how that goes. If I like it I'll keep going--or look into another group where I'm moving. Or go to both, who knows. 

Yesterday was Buck's birthday. I texted her a birthday message. She thanked me, and said she'd been thinking a lot about me. Me too--been wondering how she was. We're going to try and get together sometime next week. She's in a romantic relationship now with her friend/co-worker Christian. He's a nice guy. I approve. I hope this is good for her.

Last night Leslie's friend Marci emailed me about 10 pics of Leslie that she had. I'd met her at the service and she had posted some great pics of Les online. She emailed me all that she had. I let her know how much I appreciated that. Sent them right out to have copies made. Leslie posing with a model of a dinosaur, Leslie with her friend Shannon at roller derby, Leslie in a sundress and big hat, Leslie with her vintage VW beetle, Leslie with a chainsaw. That was my girl. My girl. I miss her.