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  So here's what happened:   Last Monday and Tuesday, I felt like s--t. J was talking about going camping,but he didn't know when he could get the time off IF he could get the time off (more on that later). All I wanted was for someone to watch L so I could go have coffee with S, L's former kindergarden teacher, whom I like a lot and felt -and still feel- would make a big difference in my life, since currently I have no crone living locally who can help me through this. But it was not to be.   J showed up and started to pack. I told him that I'd go, but he'd have to not count on me to do anything. This was fine with him (he really needed this time away, I could tell. So all I did was pack my and L's clothes, and we went.   We had a blast. We got to Anza Borrego, found a nice little campsite close to the bathrooms (but not too close), and spent the next 3 days enjoying the desert and ourselves. Unlike the last time we went, when I felt awful, I was Normal. We ate hot dogs and hamburgers, went into town once or twice to replenish supplies and have milkshakes, and I was fine. We got back into town Friday evening, had our showers, and spent the Easter weekend dyeing eggs, flying kites, eating and sleeping. Oh, my Goddess, it was SO NICE to feel like normal!   Then, last night, I woke up all hot and clammy. My stomach was gassy, and I started to feel the anxiety that these symptoms usually herald seep in. But the symptoms weren't that bad, so the anxiety wasn't, either. I got up, made a note in my book. Back in bed, the shakes started. I kept reminding myself that I didn't feel THAT bad, that this was just mild, but the shakes still made it hard to fall back asleep. I woke up an hour later, and this all repeated.   I got L off to school fairly uneventfully, put on a patch, and took another 2 hour nap. The rest of the day was pretty nice, other than a wave of dizziness, two or three surges of upset stomach, and low patience with L, resulting in my yelling at her a couple times (if she would just do what she's supposed to do without argueing or telling me all sorts of stories and excuses....).   So once again, I wonder.....how much of this is psychological. Do I feel sick because I'm back to my life that seems to consist mainly of planning meals, planning the buying of meals, fixing, serving, and cleaning up after meals, and making sure that everone has clean clothes? Is it because I have no friends with whom I can go have a cup of coffee or go shopping with once in a while? Does this lack of friends make me more and more introverted over time so that eventually ALL that I end up concentrating on is me and how bad I feel?  This menopause, along with all its hellish symptoms, has done a bang-up job of underlining all the basic problems I have in my life: powerlessness, loneliness, and  physical limitations. I can't take a class; the only place I can afford is at least 2 hours away on several buses, and the places close by are either cost prohibited or offer senior citizen subjects. And, goddammit, I don't WANT to volunteer for the damn PTA. When L was in 1st grade and I was a Room Rep,I learned how horribly unreliable menopause can make me. (No offense to the brave souls who do work for the PTA; it's just not for me).   One of the women who've sent me replies recommends anti-depressants. If I can avoid having to rely on yet one more drug, I will do so.   Will sign off for now.