back at home now, finding a sense of sacred self again

I was having ruminations galore before I left for the Treepeople event today

but decided to carry through with it for it was a commitment and put my best foot forward.

As I met up with the event leader "Kylie" I felt the usual social freeze up

but I didn't want to be a 'stick in the mud'/ a--hole who wouldn't say a word.

It's self protection I think that causes me to clam up and kind of be timid about

making connection. But today I went with the flow and just tried to be supportive,

in kind, as they were - as well I am sure we were each feeling a sense of social anxiety and hesitance

as we're all flawed and 'just human' I reasoned and told myself.

I spent a good amount of time there with them and I kind of relaxed,

and felt a sense of groupness and yet also had the charge of taking care of my 

part of things.

I felt a sense of personal discovery as well.

I decided to come back a little early and felt like indeed I was discovering some 

good stuff from my 'laissez faire' attitude about being social today. But then I also

felt kind of hollow after it. Like life had swallowed me whole and I just needed to regain

my sense of self... 

I came home and left my muddy jeans and shoes in the entry

and then made my way upstairs where I took a hot shower and dressed.

Indeed, being at home was like regaining my sense of sacred about my life.

Soothing hot water and soap suds and shampoo and then drying off

and getting dressed. I thought about how I feel like these journals

are so about finding a sacred place as well?

I might do some art as that's feeling like something I could find

'a reclaiming of my life' again after talking up a storm

at the Treepeople and kind of 'losing my religion' by saying

I'll make some lunch.

Sending big hugs,

Mark