Back and forth
I had a good couple of days in a row. No contact from the ex. Almost no tears, and then it's Friday. And it was our date night. And instead I'm home, "babysitting" my teen son and his girlfriend.
It's not just that. It's the fact that WE used to look forward to the weekend, and we'd have plans.
Now there's just me.
And for some reason, I cry on Fridays. Not drip tears, but bawl.
And my mother thinks I should be over this because she's angry with him. I loved the man for 25 years. He stopped loving me, but I'm still playing catch up because I hadn't known the rules were changed.
So no, I'm not all better, Mom, just because I had a few good days. I didn't stop magically loving him yet. Yes Mom I promise I won't take him back even if he comes back. Yes I agree he treated me terribly, and hurt me, and humiliated me and left me. But no Mom, I'm not all better. Yes, I am still crying over that son of a bitch. I am sorry that I am not looking at this as logically as you are. I would love to have your faith in me that everything will be fine and I'll magically know how to do things that I've never done before. And I wish magically that I wouldn't miss him and that my kids wouldn't miss him, and how what we feel like right now is a family with a gaping hole in it.
I know you love me Mom. and you want me to stop hurting and crying because you hurt when I hurt. And believe me, if I could speed up the process, I would. I definitely would.
But I would like to thank you Mom. You've been my rock every day. You listen every day. You celebrate my good days and hurt on my bad days. I sure love you Mom, and I hope to God I can be half the Mom that you are for my kids, especially now that I'm both Mom and Dad. Let's hope I don't screw this stuff up.
It's not just that. It's the fact that WE used to look forward to the weekend, and we'd have plans.
Now there's just me.
And for some reason, I cry on Fridays. Not drip tears, but bawl.
And my mother thinks I should be over this because she's angry with him. I loved the man for 25 years. He stopped loving me, but I'm still playing catch up because I hadn't known the rules were changed.
So no, I'm not all better, Mom, just because I had a few good days. I didn't stop magically loving him yet. Yes Mom I promise I won't take him back even if he comes back. Yes I agree he treated me terribly, and hurt me, and humiliated me and left me. But no Mom, I'm not all better. Yes, I am still crying over that son of a bitch. I am sorry that I am not looking at this as logically as you are. I would love to have your faith in me that everything will be fine and I'll magically know how to do things that I've never done before. And I wish magically that I wouldn't miss him and that my kids wouldn't miss him, and how what we feel like right now is a family with a gaping hole in it.
I know you love me Mom. and you want me to stop hurting and crying because you hurt when I hurt. And believe me, if I could speed up the process, I would. I definitely would.
But I would like to thank you Mom. You've been my rock every day. You listen every day. You celebrate my good days and hurt on my bad days. I sure love you Mom, and I hope to God I can be half the Mom that you are for my kids, especially now that I'm both Mom and Dad. Let's hope I don't screw this stuff up.
Replies
Honey, it has only been about two months. You are being very hard on yourself. You had one good week, but now are in a dump. That horrible emotional roller coaster. How I wish I could have stopped that ride in its track. It will take time and a lot of hard work, but you can do it. Cry all you want. I cried so much that the Kleenex factory could not keep up with me. Be gentle with yourself. You have to wade through all that pain to get to the other side. There is a bright light at the end of the tunnel, run for it my friend. Hugs.
Awww jeez, here it is Friday night and you know, I was married for 30 years. Have two beautiful girls that I am playing mom and dad for, and it does get better. I keep saying time is your friend.
Do you have a therapist honey? If not get one. Moms are good and they are in your corner like momma bears. But bears, fight. Sometimes you need someone to talk to that is going to get all that \"stuff\" out of you. Let it come, cry and it\'s OK to be not OK. Momma\'s just don\'t like to see you like that and really have no tools to help you through other than support. Find someone to talk to who will help you navigate what your experiencing.
Friday night? I\'m home, making pizza alone. My daughter will be home shortly and we will watch a movie is my guess. You will be OK and so will your kids because guess what...they have YOU..
Hang in there, your mom does really mean well but no one knows the deep pain and sorrow you are going through. It is an every day battle for as long as it is. Don\'t let anyone rush you through the process, if you are up front with them and say something like \"I am still grieving, let me be\" then I\'m sure they will respect your wishes and feelings.
I am coming up to my year mark of when my ex left and although I feel I am healing I still have some tears and I am dreading the 1 year mark. I know I should forget about that date but it\'s engrained in my head, I will never forget the date but I hope to be able to not focus on it quite so much as this first one.
Hang in there, cry when you need to but know that time really will heal you, I promise. Come here when you need to vent or need some support, we are here and know exactly what you are going through. Your kids are lucky and will be ok. Take care of YOU too.
Hugs