Back, and better

Miscellany: Back after nearly a month of isolation while my new meds decided what they are going to do with me (so to speak).  The good news:  they work.  There are minor side effects but they're minimal, and I can tell I'm better because of how others react to me, as well as by how I feel. Another good thing:  After 2 years of pushing myself to try actively to make friends at work and feeling often like people appreciated me as a social scheduler but as nothing more (I'd ask them to lunch, they'd accept, but if I didn't ask no one ever came to me), suddenly some of them are seeking out my company.  This is not like the two close friendships I lost last year when Linda and then Shirley died, but maybe it's a start -- maybe I'm not as obnoxious as I've spent my whole life believing.  One friend even told me to call her this weekend -- it's hard for me to believe someone would want to talk to me.  Going to lunch today with my supercilious elderly woman acquaintance.  I realize she's very old, very alone (was married 30 years before her husband died and is now in her 70s), and very afraid -- and not being insightful, when she gets frightened she doesn't admit it to herself and just gets mad and abusive.  Hopefully today I can be grateful that she's willing to spend lunch today with me (I'm not sure I could deal with being alone) and be kind enough to make allowances for her behavior, knowing its source.  Perhaps I can even clandestinely give her some comfort -- she wouldn't accept comfort offered obviously due to her pride.  And on a more mundane level maybe I can get a decent meal. One side effect of the antidepressants is that I've begun to access some positive memories about my past.  It's been found that when people are depressed they remember negative memories, and when they're happy they tend to remember positive memories.  Since taking the new meds I've suddenly realized that my mother actually did love me -- not as much as my sister, but she did.  Given that I've spent the last 35 years thinking she didn't, that's a comfort to me, old as I am. I've also been thinking about the number of times people tell me I've helped them at work (I do computer help desk).  One woman, pretty new to the firm and someone I hardly know, told me that she considered me a friend because I'm always there to help when she needs me.  I know I don't do anything extraordinary; I'm the least knowledgeable person in my department.  But I've heard that from some others, and it's nice to see smiles on people's faces who feel like I've done them a service. This isn't Thanksgiving, but I feel like I have a lot of little things and even some big things to be thankful for.  My tiny apartment with the cheap rent has a view of the marina like something out of a tourist brochure; I'm on the 3rd floor, so for the first time in over 30 years I feel safe opening my bedroom window and my patio door to get real fresh air; so far I still have my job (altho we'll see what happens next month, if there are layoffs); and I'm beginning to get my blood sugar down.  I've lived thru so many years of misery that these little things are like rays of sunshine slipping thru the blinds on a sunny spring morning. The only tiny negative was when, at the Christmas luncheon, an acquaintance I'm fond of remarked that if I just had wire-rimmed glasses, I'd look just like Mrs. Santa Claus, with my silver hair and round, rosy cheeks.  I wouldn't have minded if it weren't TRUE -- argh!  LOL.....

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I\'m so glad for you. I loved it, when my senses were getting more enlightning experiences. The change was so good, I kept on thriving. The good thing about having some comparison with Mrs. Claus is what she also represents. A compassionate; strong willed woman aged with beauty of wisdom. lol