Back again

Well, it looks like I'm back.  I'm dead broke -- waiting to see if I can get thru to next Friday's payday without anything bouncing -- but I've been a month in my new place.  There are no crack dealers or hookers here that I can see, only respectable types (strangely, less friendly than the crack dealers and other people I used to live near).  I'm just over the bridge from work, altho I have a half-mile walk in the morning to the bus stop but I no longer have to get up at that time of the night when I normally dream and think about suicide so my days start out more positively than before.  I went out to lunch twice this week and will have lunch and play cards at least once next week, which always helps my depression -- I can tell I'm less depressed because I'm actually unpacking and doing light cleaning and enjoying being here.  Other than not having enough money to go out with folks (if I could find someone to go out with) not too much is bad.  The lady who rides me home argues with me or puts me down every day, and if I didn't see her smile occasionally at some remark of mine I would never guess that she's lonely herself and actually wants my company (I think she just doesn't know how to be anything else). I removed all of my friends this time; I wanted to start over and not take on responsibilities unless I was sure I could handle them.  Being away from DS for 10 months meant to me that I had reneged on my responsibilities to those here who have been kind to me -- something I've done at times in my life.  But I've made one friend back lately and hopefully I can be there for her. In the meantime I'm going to enjoy the luxury of eating breakfast, then having a cup of tea on my patio overlooking the boats in the marina, as I think it's cool enough out there to have the patio doors open.  I may even do some gaming today, if my shoulder doesn't give me fits (too much moving boxes, pushing furniture, etc.).  Despite being lonely, this is the first time in years that I haven't sat at home and felt either terrified or depressed, and I'm going to enjoy it.  Compared to normals I wouldn't say I feel good, but compared to most of my life this is pretty decent.