Back again

  Yesterday Iwoke up with That Feeling (rolling stomach, cramps, backache, headache, soreness, etc.), but it wasn't bad and eventually went away.  J had gone to a dear friend's funeral and came back that evening drunk and depressed. He wanted to go out, but in the process of getting dressed, I said something that set him off and he went storming out. He returned an hour or so later, and we sat down in the living to try to work things out. Unfortunately, he was still drunk, & depressed, and when he gets that way, all his doubts, self-doubts, resentments, anger,frustrations, and whatever else is going on with him all come out and I get targeted like I'm the one causing it all. He did this to me 2 1/2 years ago, only he shouting angrily. He even brought up divorce, which was an incredible shock because I thought we were doing fine. The next day was the beginning of my first Bad Episode; it lasted almost 4 months because I didn't know I was in menopause, that that was causing the GID, along with the stress of suddenly thinking my husband wanted a divorce, and all the other symptoms, physical, mental and emotional.    He apologized and swore he would never take his anger out on me again.   So last night it wasn't anger; it was all the other stuff. And while I knew that all the things he said to me weren't true, that he was just getting stuff out, it was still painful to hear. I went and slept in our daughter's bed (she was spending the night).   At 3 am, I heard the front door close, and J got into his car and drove away. I was waiting in the living room when he came bashowck. He was more sober, so we talked until 4:30 and straightened everything out. He loves me, he needs me, he feels like he's unable to provide properly for us, and he realizes that we're almost 50 and are nowhere near getting what we want to accomplish accomplished (except raising a wonderful child). I reminded him that I love him and support him and that we're in this together, and it would be nice that he didn't take out his frustrations on me and try to make me also feel inadequate and incompetent.We went to bed holding each other and knowing that this is just one of those rocky moments that will probably hit our marriage every couple of years; at least now I think I can recognize when he's saying things he doesn't mean.   So between all that emotional stress and very little sleep, I once again woke up with That Feeling, only it was -and still is- a lot stronger. J went towork after massaging my neck and showing proper regret for last night, and for how I felt today. L is still at her friend's. I myself am trying to not get too down. The queasy stomach, headache, backache, etc. are no help. (GODDESS, I wish it woulod STOP..JUST STOP). I've already dedicated this day to catching up on my sleep and doing whatever it takes to feel better. I need a good cry; I can feel it just under the surface, and I'd hope to get it out of the way before JB brings L home.   It's getting better. I remind myself how horrible it's been in the past. It's getting better, I know. I don't want to get depressed. Even if I don't feel Great, I at least don't want to feel Horrible.; I'll settle for the Good or Okay anytime.