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I haven't been on in a while, well for me anyway. It was WAY past time for me to log in and check on the others.
I lost a close family friend last week, and he was touch and go for a couple of weeks before. The week before that I had my ordeal with Steve. I am currently on an up cycle, which I know won't last, but I will enjoy it while it does. I can feel Cassi's energy beaming down on me in pride. Not being deep in the throes of grief, I believe we spiritually vibrate at higher levels and it is easier for the energy of our loved ones to reach us. I am definitely feeling comforted by the love of my child and I hope it could be this way until we are reunited. If not, I just hope to remember that darkness passes.
I still plan on starting to volunteer my time for the sake of others as well as myself, however I have had to push back the start date a few weeks. In January I am having a simple elective outpatient surgery that should only take a week or so to recover from, but from my history I have learned that if there is a possible complication, I will have it. So I am just not going to try to get into a routine t this time when I know for a fact I will be out of commission for at least two weeks after the first of the year.
This weekend is the premier of "Collateral Beauty", the movie I mentioned a few journals back that I think we all should see. I am going with my closest friend Saturday. It is supposed to end well, I hope it doesn't throw me back into misery.
This holiday season seems to be affecting me less than the last two. It could be the effects of very nearly losing my husband and then getting him back and my gratitude from that, I don't know. I just try to enjoy the gentle times and save my energy if/when the darkness descends.
I am so very sorry for the hurting mothers that are struggling this Christmas. I wish there ws something I could do or say, but I know firsthand, there isn't. Coming here and pouring out my heart during the worst times seems to help, I hope it helps others too. It has certainly been a challenging year, but they have all been, since I lost Cassi. Maybe next year will be better...
Replies
I hope your surgery will be quick, simple, and complete. You should recover quickly and find energy to do your volunteer work. Our FMO hasn't been the same, with this dumb change. Love, and keep writing, Abby
Happy to read your update as I've been thinking about you. The ebb, flow and automatic pilot times of grief are always present and thank goodness when one feels lighter. After all you have been going through, lighter is so very welcome, I know.
Hoping that your surgery goes as well as it can and I have no doubt you will find your niche with volunteering.
Day by day, moment by moment and always immensely grateful to feel some peace in the midst. That is what I feel as I read your journal today.
Hand in hand, Heart to heart to Cassi's mom from Douglas and me,
XO Joanie
Gina, I am sorry to hear of your friend passing. It is so hard to say goodbye. My condolences to all who love him.
So glad to hear you are feeling hopeful and storing up energy for days that may be tough. I am the same way. On some days I feel I am "in a good place." I ride the wave and relish it knowing, as Joanie said, that this grief journey had its own ebb and flow. I feel like when I go into one of my lower times, I have a bit more strength and get out of the depths quicker.
May your surgery go well and may your recovery be speedy & easy. Then you can pursue your volunteerism. I have enjoyed volunteering since I retired in September. It's rewarding and so different than all the responsibility and pressure of my former career in social work. I still try & give my best but I can enjoy the work more because there is so much less stress.
May you and Steve have a gentle Christmas and may you feel your beautiful Cassi close by. Love, Linda
Gina, I am sorry for the loss of your friend. But very glad to hear you are doing well. Good luck on the surgery. Prayers and hugs
Terri n Tony
So glad you are on an upswing. I can so relate. It took awhile but now I can really believe that I will feel better. I find volunteering helpful but I do get bogged down at times and have to rethink what I am doing. I had to give up my board position at our condo - I was stressed and had NO patience for a couple of board members. If I hadn't quit, I would have blown up at them!!!
I am so sorry to hear that you lost a friend. This time of year can be tough enough.
Wishing you and your hubby love and peace, M