Baby, you're a firework!

It's that time of year again.
The time of year that's soo stressful, sleepless nights thinking about the past & how I wish it would've carried on into the future & present.
I'm trying intuitive eating, so far so good.
I can feel it in my stomach & throat, I soo badly want to purge & it's really hard not to.
I get these weird, smelly things in my tonsils & to get them out I have to push on my tonsils.. I have such an amazing gag reflex that whenever I do it I puke a little.
I can't stop thinking about it.
I keep thinking; I'll do it once but that'll be it! .. Even tho I know that's not what's going to happen, just like everytime I eat I won't be able to stop.
I've started cutting, smoking & drinking, at first thinking that it's better than purging. I know it's the same if not worse. I must have the gene for addictions.
We'll see how this goes.