Baby Steps Day 6
A tougher than usual day. I thought a lot about my ex. When we first met, we used to meet on Tuesday nights for dinner and then later on Wednesdays as well. Knowing I am on my own tonight and tomorrow night have brought on a case of the blues.
But on the positive side, I got an appointment with the Professor at the Arts Faculty on Friday. And I submitted my enrollment to the University.
I got some songs my friend wanted off the internet copied and delivered and did a 40 minute walk at the same time. I went and sat in the car at the beach and started my blog post for tomorrow. I came home and mowed the grass. And as I passed the turn off to my ex's place, I didn't even have an urge to go gawk at his house.
I did my two tutoring jobs for the week and broke the news about not being able to do it next year. When I friend asked me for some advice I felt ok saying I didn't know what to tell her. Before I would I have felt bad and made something up.
On the reflection side I realised durng my walk that if I had been with my ex, I might never have contemplated going back to University because I would have felt that it would make him feel bad for not having a University Degree. That is how I used to think - always put the other person before me and suppress who I was to make someone else happy. And the sad thing was he might have been ok with it, but as I wouldn't have told him about it, he wouldn't even know I dreamed of doing such a thing.
I also know there is no point feeling sad about being alone on a Tuesday night. Since we got back from our holiday, he had said he was busy with his kids on Tuesdays, so I would have been lonely anyway and feeling a bit sad and hurt that he didn't invite me over for dinner at his place with the kids.
And the thing I want most in this world is Love and Belonging. I love myself and my son loves me. He and I are a family along with our cat and we belong together. So I had it all along. The only part that I have discovered lately is that I am a loveable person and I am loved. Before that I measured my self worth in others' eyes. If I am ever to let anyone else into my love, they have to give me both these things to make it worth my while. And I know for certain, I did not feel like I belonged with my ex. He kept so much of himself apart that I existed on the periphery of his life.
This evening, I treated myself to some KFC. I am tired from waking up too early. Going to bed to watch a movie soon.I deleted my ex from my contact list and from my phone and also got rid of all his messages I had saved. I threw away a magazine with a letter to the editor from him. I have nothing of his to return and he only has a few docs to return to me. After that the only remaining contact I need to have with him is a project of his I got involved in. And even then, only if it eventuates.
Tomorrow is another day and I am almost through this one.
But on the positive side, I got an appointment with the Professor at the Arts Faculty on Friday. And I submitted my enrollment to the University.
I got some songs my friend wanted off the internet copied and delivered and did a 40 minute walk at the same time. I went and sat in the car at the beach and started my blog post for tomorrow. I came home and mowed the grass. And as I passed the turn off to my ex's place, I didn't even have an urge to go gawk at his house.
I did my two tutoring jobs for the week and broke the news about not being able to do it next year. When I friend asked me for some advice I felt ok saying I didn't know what to tell her. Before I would I have felt bad and made something up.
On the reflection side I realised durng my walk that if I had been with my ex, I might never have contemplated going back to University because I would have felt that it would make him feel bad for not having a University Degree. That is how I used to think - always put the other person before me and suppress who I was to make someone else happy. And the sad thing was he might have been ok with it, but as I wouldn't have told him about it, he wouldn't even know I dreamed of doing such a thing.
I also know there is no point feeling sad about being alone on a Tuesday night. Since we got back from our holiday, he had said he was busy with his kids on Tuesdays, so I would have been lonely anyway and feeling a bit sad and hurt that he didn't invite me over for dinner at his place with the kids.
And the thing I want most in this world is Love and Belonging. I love myself and my son loves me. He and I are a family along with our cat and we belong together. So I had it all along. The only part that I have discovered lately is that I am a loveable person and I am loved. Before that I measured my self worth in others' eyes. If I am ever to let anyone else into my love, they have to give me both these things to make it worth my while. And I know for certain, I did not feel like I belonged with my ex. He kept so much of himself apart that I existed on the periphery of his life.
This evening, I treated myself to some KFC. I am tired from waking up too early. Going to bed to watch a movie soon.I deleted my ex from my contact list and from my phone and also got rid of all his messages I had saved. I threw away a magazine with a letter to the editor from him. I have nothing of his to return and he only has a few docs to return to me. After that the only remaining contact I need to have with him is a project of his I got involved in. And even then, only if it eventuates.
Tomorrow is another day and I am almost through this one.
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