Baby Steps Day 4
Last night I got an email from my ex in reply to a note I sent last Sunday. He had one of my library books that I wanted him to return and I also wanted to say goodbye as I wasn't able to do so when he broke up with me. He took an entire week to reply, but said he read my book about "being real" and watched the TED video by Dr. Brene Brown as I had asked and said he found them meaningful and powerful. I have a little container of his he wanted back and he said he will drop off some paperwork of mine he had and pick up the container if I could leave it in my mailbox and let him know.
After a week of holding it together, it all turned to custard as soon as I saw that email. All the longing and sadness returned in one fell swoop. I felt like replying and begging him to come see me. But I did something I have never been able to do before. I recognised the feeling and let it wash over me and sat with it for a while. Then it lessened in intensity and I was able to get on with the work at hand and even managed to fall asleep ok. What helped was the realisation that I had no control over his actions and that I could only be responsible for my own actions in this situation. In the past, I felt compelled to control the outcome of a situation such as this and tried numerous desperate actions to get the man to come back to me. Of course all it did was make them more resolute to stay away.
So the letting go is working. I still miss him and the connection that we had. But I also know there were lots of little things wrong with our pseudo relationship. I don't think we even had a relationship.....Even if he was to come back, there are lots of stuff that need to be sorted and and agreed upon before we enter into a relationship. And as he needs to take responsibility and do half the work, my asking him to see me one more time or indicating any sort of need on my part isn't going to help. I need to stand strong and this time I believe I will. I loved this guy with all my heart. But I am very much still recovering from loving too much in the past and as such made the same fundamental errors as I had done in the past when it came to my own wants and needs and setting boundaries. So I acknowledge I could have done better. But I am also very proud of myself and how far I have come.
This is the sort of thing you want to write in a letter to a daughter, because I wish I had known all this in my twenties. How much heartache would that have saved me I wonder. I don't have a daughter, but I do have another 25 years or so left of my life and maybe one day I will be lucky enough to meet the sort of guy I deserve. Someone who loves me with all his heart and knows how to give without expecting anything in return. Then I too can give with all my heart and know that I am safe.
It is very early in the morning and my son and I have an entire day before us. November is nearly over and I want to start 2013 differently to how I have lived 2012.
I had booked to go away for New Years with a girlfriend and when I got together with my boyfriend I decided to book another room for him and I because I assumed he would want to be with me for New Years. I contacted the bed and breakfast and asked if they could let that extra room to someone else as I no longer need it. It was a difficult thing to do, but I feel good now that I have done it.
I also emailed the faculty advisor at the University about meeting to discuss what courses I could take if I enrol in that Graduate Diploma in Anthropology. Another positive step.
My son I are planning to go to the market in the morning and then to the movies to see Madagascar. Looking forward to a nice day.
First to the beach, then a short visit to a sick friend and then a movie. All of these things felt good and I didn't feel like i was missing something. Because even when we were "together", I would have still spent most of my weekend when my son was with me without the "man". He had his own kids then and we hadn't really got into the habit of hanging out together.
I found a man who was independent and not needy like those I had known in the past. But he had forgotten to give wholeheartedly somewhere along the way and now had a selfishness in him that wouldn't have worked for me. He saw me when it was convenient to do so, and the rest of the time I was expected to do my own thing, which was fine. But I want someone who gives of himself the same as I am prepared to do.
After a week of holding it together, it all turned to custard as soon as I saw that email. All the longing and sadness returned in one fell swoop. I felt like replying and begging him to come see me. But I did something I have never been able to do before. I recognised the feeling and let it wash over me and sat with it for a while. Then it lessened in intensity and I was able to get on with the work at hand and even managed to fall asleep ok. What helped was the realisation that I had no control over his actions and that I could only be responsible for my own actions in this situation. In the past, I felt compelled to control the outcome of a situation such as this and tried numerous desperate actions to get the man to come back to me. Of course all it did was make them more resolute to stay away.
So the letting go is working. I still miss him and the connection that we had. But I also know there were lots of little things wrong with our pseudo relationship. I don't think we even had a relationship.....Even if he was to come back, there are lots of stuff that need to be sorted and and agreed upon before we enter into a relationship. And as he needs to take responsibility and do half the work, my asking him to see me one more time or indicating any sort of need on my part isn't going to help. I need to stand strong and this time I believe I will. I loved this guy with all my heart. But I am very much still recovering from loving too much in the past and as such made the same fundamental errors as I had done in the past when it came to my own wants and needs and setting boundaries. So I acknowledge I could have done better. But I am also very proud of myself and how far I have come.
This is the sort of thing you want to write in a letter to a daughter, because I wish I had known all this in my twenties. How much heartache would that have saved me I wonder. I don't have a daughter, but I do have another 25 years or so left of my life and maybe one day I will be lucky enough to meet the sort of guy I deserve. Someone who loves me with all his heart and knows how to give without expecting anything in return. Then I too can give with all my heart and know that I am safe.
It is very early in the morning and my son and I have an entire day before us. November is nearly over and I want to start 2013 differently to how I have lived 2012.
I had booked to go away for New Years with a girlfriend and when I got together with my boyfriend I decided to book another room for him and I because I assumed he would want to be with me for New Years. I contacted the bed and breakfast and asked if they could let that extra room to someone else as I no longer need it. It was a difficult thing to do, but I feel good now that I have done it.
I also emailed the faculty advisor at the University about meeting to discuss what courses I could take if I enrol in that Graduate Diploma in Anthropology. Another positive step.
My son I are planning to go to the market in the morning and then to the movies to see Madagascar. Looking forward to a nice day.
First to the beach, then a short visit to a sick friend and then a movie. All of these things felt good and I didn't feel like i was missing something. Because even when we were "together", I would have still spent most of my weekend when my son was with me without the "man". He had his own kids then and we hadn't really got into the habit of hanging out together.
I found a man who was independent and not needy like those I had known in the past. But he had forgotten to give wholeheartedly somewhere along the way and now had a selfishness in him that wouldn't have worked for me. He saw me when it was convenient to do so, and the rest of the time I was expected to do my own thing, which was fine. But I want someone who gives of himself the same as I am prepared to do.
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