Baby Steps

I find it very difficult to speak in person about my true issues, but I hope that I can explain myself in this journal.

From a young age, I was always told to push down on my emotions. My dad, along with other male figureheads in my life, always told me that 'emotions are for girls and for sissies' and therefore I'd be a girl if I let myself show any emotion. To this date, this ethos has stuck in my head and, even now, I try to ignore my true emotions and just put on a brave face while really on the inside I am screaming and crying out for help.

I am suffering with severe depression and severe anxiety - my last scoring showed me as a 24 for depression (the only reason I didn't get 'the jackpot 27' is because I am not self-harming) and a 17 for anxiety. This means operating on a day to day basis has been very difficult for me. My body's natural response at the moment to anything negative is to either try to run or to freeze, and I have been trying so hard to suppress these feelings that it has caused a hormonal imbalance in my system. This has displayed itself with physical symptoms, like severe headaches, panic attacks and, from medical advice I have received, can be the cause of picking up certain viral infections and other issues. ​Hiding these 'flight or freeze' emotions also goes back to childhood, and my dad's voice screaming at me to not show emotion. It's a constant battle inside my own head which I, unfortunately, have been losing.

The first step on my own recovery plan is to accept this as it is - I have severe mental ill health but I need to acknowledge this in order to implement steps to improve. I am working forwards in doing this, and it is really difficult for me to admit this to anyone, but I need to try.

This journal is my first step towards being able to progress with life. I believe if I am open and honest, and keep a true and accurate record of what is going on throughout, the good parts and the bad parts, then I can actually progress on the road to recovery...