b-day blues

well today is back to work day and I'm not feeling like being here. I want to lay in bed and do nothing. Just like yesterday. I usually don't get the blues over my b-day. This year is the year. I got to work today to learn that a long time friend which I haven't been in contact with father passed away. Ok that's fuckin' great now to add to my already fucked -up mood I need to hear this. I really mad at myself. I knew that Dad was not in the best of health but I never called. I really got wrapped up in my own life. That's enough for one person to bear. I tired and don't want to be bothered.My BF came over last night and still IDWTBBothered. i didn't say anything I was hoping that my mood and attitude would say it better. Nice gift and small talk. good she's gone. how can I want to be alone and not at the same time. It's hard to be happy when you feel like crying. I'm not completly sad and not happy. I'm stuck inthe middle. It almost feel like PMS gone wild. And yeah I called my Granddad and Dad. How shitty is this. I was going to call them earlier and never got around to it. Life.It sucks. I tried some of that positive shit on myself and it didn't work. maybe tmmw.