Avoiding the pink elephant in the room
I am feeling hurt and disappointed with DH's family, who I love so very much. Yesterday was my BIL's wedding and the first time we've seen his family since the miscarriage. I tried to lower my expectations and know they probably would not ask how I was doing since the focus was on celebrating and a new marriage, not on the negativity of losing a baby. As it is, they hardly ask now on email or the phone. But, we saw some people who knew we were pregnant that we hadn't seen since before we made the announcement. I thought maybe those family members might say something. Nada. There was this one moment where I even sorta brought it up.....I was saying that DH and I are planning a big trip next year and they asked if there was an occasion or something and I said, well we decided after what happened to do it.....then I stopped and said, wait, you know what happened right? And then I said, ugh, I'm not sure why I am not saying the word, like its taboo or something, and they just nodded their heads and said nothing. It was soooo awkward. I felt this stupid pressure not to say the word miscarriage like it was such a bad thing and I'm so ashamed of that. How very unfair to me and my baby. It's like I succumb to this "do not talk about this taboo subject" around people sometimes. People do not want to hear about grief or loss, and I feel the need to go along with that and that is just wrong. I just can't get over though, that I never heard a "sorry" or even any word uttered over my mc. I wonder if they think if they ignore it, so will I. Then a member of my new SIL's family came up to me and asked how I was feeling and I said ok and then realized she knew I was pregnant and probably didn't know I miscarried....ugh. During one of the speeches, it was mentioned how many more times we'd all be together for baby showers, christenings, etc and there was of course talk of the new married couple's future children. Watching DH with our niece and nephew is always hard, but last night they were soooo cute together that my heart was breaking in a million pieces thinking of how much I'd love to see DH with our children and can't. There were so many moments at this wedding that I just sat there feeling so sad and angry for my situation, and angry that the joy of what should have been a wonderful event was soured for me, because it truly was a beautiful wedding. But I think the thing that really floors me is how not one family member said anything about my loss. How can they not even acknowledge it to me, when for me its one of the most significant losses and events of my life!? It's like they totally ignored the giant pink elephant in the room, and as if I'm not hurting enough, adding hurt on top of hurt really sucks. A big thing that got me thru these hard moments of the night was thinking about when I would journal this and share it with my DS sisters and know I would get the reassurance, respect and support I need. Again, thank you all from the bottom of my heart for you. Love you all! xoxoxo
Replies
I am so sorry...it is so infuriating that people these days are so consumed with theirselves that they can\'t stop to think for 1 minute how someone else may be feeling. Your right, it would of been nice to hear an I\'m sorry what happened or acknowledgement. Sending love your way...xoxo
My SIL dealt with a miscarriage too, and felt very frustrated by that fact too - why is it taboo to talk about? Because other people are uncomfortable? F that! Why can we talk about a cancer diagnosis or surgeries or the loss of another family member (parent, sibling, etc.) but not this? Especially because of the support you need right now. It\'s not right. I\'m glad you have the DS community to talk to, but I wish people in the physical world could be more supportive and not force us to be quiet about things we endure.
Wow, I\'m sure that was hard. My only guesses are A) They are insensitive or, B) They don\'t know what to say...so they say nothing.
Either way, I\'m sorry. Most people don\'t realize how devastating a mc is and you don\'t just \"try again.\" I\'m sorry.