Avoidance
It has come to my attention that I have been avoiding things the last few months and I am confused as to if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
I don't go into Cassi's room, I don't go into the spare bedroom where there are boxes of her things. It has been months since I have been to the cemetery. Yet Cassi is on my mind all the time. I feel so guilty. I feel like I am avoiding these things to lessen my pain and she might think I am trying to forget about her. I even find it hard to look at her pictures sometimes, my precious baby...
I am afraid I am not doing it right. It feels like the longer I avoid her room and unpacking boxes of her things the problem is getting bigger and bigger, like the next time I open the door to the spare bedroom it will be brimful of stuff, memories and sadness that will blow my mind for good. Am I running away from the pain??? Isn't that the same as the other tools of avoidance, drinking, drugs, overworking, other things used to numb yourself???
I don't go into Cassi's room, I don't go into the spare bedroom where there are boxes of her things. It has been months since I have been to the cemetery. Yet Cassi is on my mind all the time. I feel so guilty. I feel like I am avoiding these things to lessen my pain and she might think I am trying to forget about her. I even find it hard to look at her pictures sometimes, my precious baby...
I am afraid I am not doing it right. It feels like the longer I avoid her room and unpacking boxes of her things the problem is getting bigger and bigger, like the next time I open the door to the spare bedroom it will be brimful of stuff, memories and sadness that will blow my mind for good. Am I running away from the pain??? Isn't that the same as the other tools of avoidance, drinking, drugs, overworking, other things used to numb yourself???
Replies
Gina, don\'t be so hard on yourself about these things. The truth is that you think of your precious Cassi all the time, because you still love her so very much! The fact that you avoid her room and the spare room, only means that you are not ready yet to re-live the reality of her passing. And that is okay! Take your time, don\'t force yourself or try to rush this journey. In time you will reach the point where you will have the strength to go into those rooms. You are doing great so far! There is no right way or wrong way, we all handle grief differently, because we are all uniquely different.
Cassi knows how very much you still love her and miss her, and she understands how difficult it is for you to go into those rooms, and to the cemetery. Please don\'t feel guilty, because you are indeed doing the very best you can!!
Gentle hugs!! xxx
I don\'t go into Charlie\'s room either. I know I\'d dissolve into tears forever if I did.
Gina, I don\'t believe you are running away from the pain nor is it the same as the tools of avoidance you mentioned. You are on your own timetable, which is unique for every grieving mom, for whenever you are ready to go into Cassi\'s room and her things. You will know when you are comfortable in doing so.
Although I have given away some of Jared\'s clothing to relatives and friends, I still have a couple of drawers filled with his shirts and accessories. His desk with all his school books and school assignments are still there untouched. His wallet, his keys, his favorite pen, etc. all still there. And it\'s going on 7 years. I do go into his room to clean up and dust and at times to sit down on the bed and read his song writings and poetry. And sometimes I smile and sometimes I cry. But I\'m okay with that, for now.
Gina, there is no way that your sweet daughter would think that you\'re trying to forget her. And there is no such thing as the right or wrong way to do these things. What matters is what feels right to you and your comfort level.
So dear Gina, I would say to just relax and take it easy with this situation. And when you are ready, just take baby steps and do a little at a time regardless of whether it takes days, weeks, months or years.
Love and Peace,
Diane
I on the other hand flew through Justins things and gave everything away to all of his friends. I could not imagine keeping his room with everything in it with out him, maybe I am crazy, I don\'t even know, but I know we are each different and we have to do what is best for our selves. That was my way, I have all his photo\'s and very keepsake things of his in my room. Hope it all works out for you, I think you are doing just fine....XOX, Debbie
You\'ll know when you\'re ready. Trust yourself. If you don\'t want to go into the boxes, call the Salvation Army. They\'ll pick everything up. That\'s what we did with my dad\'s stuff.
Try to get out daily to take a walk. Breathing fresh air is good for our mental health, too. I\'m still seeing a therapist. I need to feel free to talk to another adult, without worries about security. Some days are very hard still. I rushed through my first few years by going to the gym every single day. Now, I\'m fat and lazy. Starting physical therapy, to get moving again.
Be nice to yourself, stop pushing. This grief is so hard and so exhausting. No one who hasn\'t experienced it, even knows. Love and tight hugs, Abby
I agree - we are on our own timetable. Lisa lived away from here. I went through her clothing with my granddaughter when I was still in shock. We decided what I should keep. I have some of her shirts and jackets - I wear them when i need to feel close to her. I think if she had lived with us, things would have been very different. Her room would be a shrine. I have no idea if I would have moved a thing. I have her angel table in the living room.
Please do not feel guilty. She knows how much you love and miss her. She knows you care more than anyone possibly could. No deadlines or timetables. Do what feel right at the time.
Love and tight hugs, M
I don\'t think there is a right way to do this Gina. We brought David\'s things home with us and put them in the attic. We cannot bear to go through them. Someday probably, but it isn\'t something my husband and I can even talk about right now. They aren\'t going anywhere and we will face it when we are able.
Please don\'t be so hard on yourself. We just have to do what helps us survive. Tight hugs,
Remember one day at a time, you can only do what you are able. Peace, Kathy
When the time is right, you will know. There is no schedule to keep. Your dear Cassi will never be forgotten. The love continues to grow.
Hugs, Debbie
I don\'t go into Rozs room that much it breaks my heart. I THINK SOME TIMES WE NEED A REST FROM IT. I. DO ALL THE PICTURES HER URN. God I hate it I miss my only child . I believe do what is best for you Forget guilt we did or best if I could go back I would have been a mother. Nothing I can sdo now jist feel empty. Always. I.am weary tired. Bless your Cassie. Love