Avoidance
I just realized today that I have been avoiding my pain.
I gained weight while I was with my ex, 20lbs to be exact, over the course of four months. I was hardly even seeing him, but I realized even then, and more so upon reflection, that I was drinking more and unconsciously eating more to tune out my feelings that were saying 'run away, run away!!!'.
I have been neglecting my feelings all my life. In fact, I am much better at NOT feeling my feelings than actually processing what they are telling me.
I have a highly attuned radar for troublesome people, bad people in particular. I believe this because I was around so many of them when I was growing up that something shifts inside of me (pings, if you will), when I am in the presence of someone who is not good.
There a lot of bad people out there, and even more who have issues that I have no wish to be around. I have learned to turn down my radar so that I can function in this world. I can have nice, pleasant conversations with almost anyone if need be. But it doesn't need to be any more.
I have nothing to lose my tuning out my feelings and everything to gain.
In any case, a couple of months into my reconnection with my ex, my psychiatrist prescribed me Adderall. I don't have ADD, I just have a hard time sorting through the minutia of getting every day, tedious tasks done.
I have been using it off-label to help suppress my appetite. It works. It also numbs out every other emotion I have. I feel like a high-strung zombie!!! I didn't even know such a thing was possible!
Yes, I am conquering every day tasks like a dynamo, but I can feel my emotions surge sometimes under the effects of the medication. They are just so quieted down that I am unable to give them voice, to REALLY feel them...
And without feeling them, I cannot release them!
I feel like I am stuck in neutral, as far as my healing goes. I feel dead inside, bland, like I am not me.
I know the answer is to stop the medication. I KNOW this. I can feel it in my bones, and it just makes sense. It is the natural foregone conclusion.
I am really, REALLY, REALLY scared of losing it all together when I do stop. I have a very important business meeting (several actually), and it is very important that I present a certain type of image.
It is part of why I hate my job. I hate the pressure of having to look a certain why. I have already lost 10lbs, now I only have 10 more to lose. I feel like I have to keep it together long enough to pull this off, but at what cost?
I have been paying too high of a cost for several years... Ignoring myself has only made me feel worse.
It is time to honor myself and my feelings, because no one else is going to do it for me.
I finally realized through my relationship and break-up(s), that no one else can give me the treatment I need and deserve. Only I can give to myself. It is an inside job.
I know from past experiences that when you treat yourself well, when you love and respect yourself, the rest (including healthy relationships of all kinds), comes naturally.
I gained weight while I was with my ex, 20lbs to be exact, over the course of four months. I was hardly even seeing him, but I realized even then, and more so upon reflection, that I was drinking more and unconsciously eating more to tune out my feelings that were saying 'run away, run away!!!'.
I have been neglecting my feelings all my life. In fact, I am much better at NOT feeling my feelings than actually processing what they are telling me.
I have a highly attuned radar for troublesome people, bad people in particular. I believe this because I was around so many of them when I was growing up that something shifts inside of me (pings, if you will), when I am in the presence of someone who is not good.
There a lot of bad people out there, and even more who have issues that I have no wish to be around. I have learned to turn down my radar so that I can function in this world. I can have nice, pleasant conversations with almost anyone if need be. But it doesn't need to be any more.
I have nothing to lose my tuning out my feelings and everything to gain.
In any case, a couple of months into my reconnection with my ex, my psychiatrist prescribed me Adderall. I don't have ADD, I just have a hard time sorting through the minutia of getting every day, tedious tasks done.
I have been using it off-label to help suppress my appetite. It works. It also numbs out every other emotion I have. I feel like a high-strung zombie!!! I didn't even know such a thing was possible!
Yes, I am conquering every day tasks like a dynamo, but I can feel my emotions surge sometimes under the effects of the medication. They are just so quieted down that I am unable to give them voice, to REALLY feel them...
And without feeling them, I cannot release them!
I feel like I am stuck in neutral, as far as my healing goes. I feel dead inside, bland, like I am not me.
I know the answer is to stop the medication. I KNOW this. I can feel it in my bones, and it just makes sense. It is the natural foregone conclusion.
I am really, REALLY, REALLY scared of losing it all together when I do stop. I have a very important business meeting (several actually), and it is very important that I present a certain type of image.
It is part of why I hate my job. I hate the pressure of having to look a certain why. I have already lost 10lbs, now I only have 10 more to lose. I feel like I have to keep it together long enough to pull this off, but at what cost?
I have been paying too high of a cost for several years... Ignoring myself has only made me feel worse.
It is time to honor myself and my feelings, because no one else is going to do it for me.
I finally realized through my relationship and break-up(s), that no one else can give me the treatment I need and deserve. Only I can give to myself. It is an inside job.
I know from past experiences that when you treat yourself well, when you love and respect yourself, the rest (including healthy relationships of all kinds), comes naturally.
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