August 5th 2013
August already... where has this summer gone. It feels like just yesterday it was May and I was planning out all the things I'd do in the summer, now I have less than a month til I go back to school, TIME FLIES!
This week I am off to the beach for a well needed vacation, I leave tomorrow and I can't wait, I need some swimming, sun and relaxation in my life.
I began reading "from survival to recovery, growing up in an alcoholic home" on friday at my meeting a nice lady recommended I read it, I am relating a lot to these people. Well its true, I grew up in an alcoholic home. It frightens me to think that all my characteristics that I have are from living in my house. It is like my whole life has been a learned behavior. I am shy, a clean freak, anxious, strive for perfection and have issues forming relationships with people. I'd say that sums up my negative characteristics and reading this book leads me to believe that I act this way as a form of outlet for the pain I have felt as a child. Does this make sense? Does my insentient need to clean house everyday because I was trying to cope with having two drunk parents every night?! But the scary thing is I think so and I still am like this. I still clean house everyday til I think its "Perfect" IDK I think I must have more pent up than I first have thought.
I have reopened my wounds and am trying to figure out if I am an alcoholic too. I despise the drink so much but when I do it is like a whole different me, I go back to where I was before and become this demon, it makes me happy for a while and then the next morning I hate myself and I try to explain it to people but they don't get it, they all say "well your not an alcoholic and you need to let yourself go every once in a little while" but I still hate it. I hate myself when I drink, I hate myself for even thinking about drinking, I hate drinking. I think I have alcoholic tendencies but again I think it is a learned behavior, I taught myself to hate it so much but somewhere in me I still like it. It sucks opening up and feeling and thinking about all this, I struggle with my thoughts on this and it makes me feel horrible, I don't deserve to drink, I don't deserve to be like "everybody else" when I drink I feel guilty, for more than one reason and it hurts, it hurts so bad.
its like this line from a katy perry song " I can see the heavens but I can hear the flames, calling out my name" I can see the goals and ambitions that I have and all the heavenly glory of all the good that I am doing and want to achieve but at the same time I hear the darkness that wants me back, the lying and drinking and evilness that I once was, it haunts me and is waiting to suck me back in, toying with me, calling me sweetly so I'll look away from the heavens and it can pull me back down to the depths of Hell where it will devour all the good inside of me. This is a daily thought that I have. And this is what scares me, this is my ultimate fear. The darkness that is inside me, I am afraid of what I am capable of, I am afraid of myself.. I am afraid of me.
This week I am off to the beach for a well needed vacation, I leave tomorrow and I can't wait, I need some swimming, sun and relaxation in my life.
I began reading "from survival to recovery, growing up in an alcoholic home" on friday at my meeting a nice lady recommended I read it, I am relating a lot to these people. Well its true, I grew up in an alcoholic home. It frightens me to think that all my characteristics that I have are from living in my house. It is like my whole life has been a learned behavior. I am shy, a clean freak, anxious, strive for perfection and have issues forming relationships with people. I'd say that sums up my negative characteristics and reading this book leads me to believe that I act this way as a form of outlet for the pain I have felt as a child. Does this make sense? Does my insentient need to clean house everyday because I was trying to cope with having two drunk parents every night?! But the scary thing is I think so and I still am like this. I still clean house everyday til I think its "Perfect" IDK I think I must have more pent up than I first have thought.
I have reopened my wounds and am trying to figure out if I am an alcoholic too. I despise the drink so much but when I do it is like a whole different me, I go back to where I was before and become this demon, it makes me happy for a while and then the next morning I hate myself and I try to explain it to people but they don't get it, they all say "well your not an alcoholic and you need to let yourself go every once in a little while" but I still hate it. I hate myself when I drink, I hate myself for even thinking about drinking, I hate drinking. I think I have alcoholic tendencies but again I think it is a learned behavior, I taught myself to hate it so much but somewhere in me I still like it. It sucks opening up and feeling and thinking about all this, I struggle with my thoughts on this and it makes me feel horrible, I don't deserve to drink, I don't deserve to be like "everybody else" when I drink I feel guilty, for more than one reason and it hurts, it hurts so bad.
its like this line from a katy perry song " I can see the heavens but I can hear the flames, calling out my name" I can see the goals and ambitions that I have and all the heavenly glory of all the good that I am doing and want to achieve but at the same time I hear the darkness that wants me back, the lying and drinking and evilness that I once was, it haunts me and is waiting to suck me back in, toying with me, calling me sweetly so I'll look away from the heavens and it can pull me back down to the depths of Hell where it will devour all the good inside of me. This is a daily thought that I have. And this is what scares me, this is my ultimate fear. The darkness that is inside me, I am afraid of what I am capable of, I am afraid of myself.. I am afraid of me.
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