August 2nd
August 2nd...A Sunday...I have noticed a pattern of the number 2. The happiest day of my life was August 20, 1991, and the worst day of my life was February 2, 2014. Cassi was 22 years old when I lost her. She was 20 inches long when she was born. I am the 2nd child in my family, a typical middle child, over-looked, a peacemaker. What is it about the number 2???? Oh, also??? I was 20 when Cassi was born. Happy 2's and devastating 2's...I have become a detective in my grief, analyzing everything, wanting more information...then more, it's never enough...sigh...
I want to confess something to you, because all of you give me advice, the only advice I trust. Since I quit my job some of you have advised me to get up and out every day and be around people. I have not done that and I don't want to. I have been hiding away in my home with my husband and dogs, communicating mostly via texting, e-mailing, etc. I hope this is a stage and will pass, I truly do not want to become a hermit. I have been home from work for 3 weeks and have had an appointment each week. A hair appointment, 2 doctor's appointments, it has just worked out that I have had 1 outing per week. I want to go by my instinct, as I have since I lost Cassi...but I wonder if I should be making myself get up and out more.
I am shy and introverted by nature. I have never been a social butterfly...I am just questioning what is healthy for me...if it is just my personality combined with the trauma, or am I sliding down a slippery slope to being homebound???
It's such a sad contradiction, one that affected Cassi as well...feeling so lonely yet unable to let down the walls I have constructed to let anyone too close for too long
I want to confess something to you, because all of you give me advice, the only advice I trust. Since I quit my job some of you have advised me to get up and out every day and be around people. I have not done that and I don't want to. I have been hiding away in my home with my husband and dogs, communicating mostly via texting, e-mailing, etc. I hope this is a stage and will pass, I truly do not want to become a hermit. I have been home from work for 3 weeks and have had an appointment each week. A hair appointment, 2 doctor's appointments, it has just worked out that I have had 1 outing per week. I want to go by my instinct, as I have since I lost Cassi...but I wonder if I should be making myself get up and out more.
I am shy and introverted by nature. I have never been a social butterfly...I am just questioning what is healthy for me...if it is just my personality combined with the trauma, or am I sliding down a slippery slope to being homebound???
It's such a sad contradiction, one that affected Cassi as well...feeling so lonely yet unable to let down the walls I have constructed to let anyone too close for too long
Replies
I am just like you in this way, Gina. For me it is staying with my 2 living children (my son and my older daughter), going from the one to the other. Although we love and care about each other, I am just an \"extra\" in their lives, and don\'t really belong anywhere!
As I\'m also an introvert, and always felt less than others around me, I chose to cut ties with everyone around me and just be in my own minute world. Yes, being a hermit suits me just fine!
But you still have a strong will to connect with people outside. So it sounds as if you just need time to heal inside up to the point where you can reach out to others again. I believe that your pain is just too overwhelming now, missing your precious Cassi everyday!! xxx
I am an extrovert..well I was an extrovert. I did cocoon myself as much as I possibly could after Patrick left us. I was fortunate to have church obligations that forced me back into civilized society..I was asked in just the right way if Would please step into my hospitality ministry. It was a year after his death. I did. At the same time, I was at our church retreat and I suggested that a workshop for helping people talk to grieving parents would be helpful someday. The next month, I got a phone call from our fearless leader asking me to do the worshop for this November\'s Retreat. I am doing just that. I do not speak or even pray aloud in front of people. But I am being pulled out of my comfort zone.
The point to all of this is that you have already put yourself out there with your job so soon into this journey..that was a huge inspiration to me. I remember thinking that you had steel balls to go to a new job. I could not get off the couch, yet you got a job! I am sure that you have no idea how much your grief has been used of God to push or throw a rope to a SOTH along this journey.
When you are home bound, you write/ journal more. That is healthy.
I think for an introvert pushing yourself to get out may not be what soothes you. Maybe you can put your journals in a binder and have a book someday. Some of the world\'s best authors are introverts. Praying for you, Lauri
I have always been full of life, excited about doing whatever, full of hope - now I am often fearful to leave my house - anxious on freeways - after a certain time, I have to leave if around alot of people. Things are difinitely different.
I push myself to do things sometimes, even when I don\'t want to because I am afraid I will become housebound, never leaving. It is difficult, Gina to work and be on this grief journey. I went back to work just 3 weeks after my Jennifer left. It is so difficult, so by you getting a NEW JOB was brave but very stressful so for you to be home now, I feel is okay......you are communicating via email, here, etc. each one of us is different and I think it\'s important for each one of us to do whatever it is that we need to do to survivie.(((hugs))) Vicki
I could not have gone out and got a new job as you did either. I was amazed at what you did. I stayed home and rarely went out for about 5 years. The process of losing a child changed me in so many ways but I am happy to say that it has changed me in ways that are not all bad. However, it is a process, a long process and I am still going through it. I think we all do what we need to do to get through the turmoil and we cannot follow advice that does not ring true to us so my advice is to follow your heart and what feels best for you!
Allow yourself much grace and wiggle room. I cannot begin to even tell you how many times I said, \"Yes,\" to things and then had to decline because I had used up all of my courage for the day. It was okay and I told others not to give up on me and that it was my reality for today, yet I hoped would not be forever.
My granddaughter is who kept me on this planet. I cared for her two days a week in those first weeks, months and years and she was my tether to what was important in this life. I will aways have a very special place in my heart for her because she was perhaps my greatest healer for my war torn heart.
You are doing your best and you have been following your instincts and heart so I would continue to trust them, Gina. You know you can go out into the world and do what you need to do and if you begin to feel worried about it, perhaps that is the day to go out and even if it\'s for a walk around the block. Something as simple as this can help you feel grounded and connected.
You can Google the significance of the 2\'s and it\'s fascinating to read about numerology. Douglas says hello with numbers so I\'ve been noticing and learning as well. I\'d do some investigating if you haven\'t already.
Lots of loving care and deep inhales, exhales and grounding in. Too much thinking can send me into the ethers so I need to ground in daily.
With you!
XO Joanie
I don\'t know if I have any words of wisdom. I too am an introvert. I was too frightened to go to the first retreat after Lisa died (though I very much wanted to go). When I went the following year, I felt like a fish out of water. I am not a social butterfly either. I have a few close friends. The moms here are my saving grace. Introvert or extrovert, we understand one another.
As for getting out. I spent the better part of 2 years holed up here. I went to meetings because that is what I did but could not concentrate. I would leave early. I would promise to go to functions and bail at the last minute. I just found it too exhausting to try to make small talk. I got hooked on crossword puzzles as they focused me so I had some reprieve from my grief.
But I slowly came back. As an introvert, I do need my down time. But I can go out and enjoy life with friends now. I still do my crosswords because for some reason, they help me cope.
I think we just need to do what works for us. The extroverts need people - we not so much.
Just remember that there are a slew of moms out here that care for you. I am registered for the retreat and paid up so I will see you in October!!
Tight hugs, M
I love to be home and seldom leave except for work and to do things that need to be done. I don\'t think there is anything wrong with that as long as you aren\'t sleeping all the time, depressed, feel hopeless. If it\'s just you would rather be home with family vs going out with others then I wouldn\'t worry quite yet. Like the others have said, you will know when it\'s time. There is no time frame for grief. Much love. Robin
When my son Jesse was murdered Aug. 14th,2000
I was working before and after that day when I was determined to go to work to say (keeping busy) I forgot what to do next and was lost. My world was upside down then. I managed to work and I don\'t know how I made it those days. I ended up quitting a year later due to my grief, I was a basket case... It took medication,Drs. and time to feel strong enough to go back to work. I had lots and lots of problems back then. I couldn\'t breath right. Don\'t stay away from people to long, because it can get to the point where you loose your self being just with yourself. I had a lot of trouble getting back in the swing of things, just the general public was hard for me. Thank God I came out of it because I in my nature am very aggressive, up beat, friendly, out going, and for me to with draw from every one and every thing was bad for me and I ended up severely depressed. I had the whole 9 yards of panic attacks and ect. I could not even watch a regular movie. If some one was even pushed down on t.v. I ran out of the living room. Perhaps it was due to how my son died, I think so now. Any ways stay out a little more, find a group to talk to, join a gym, anything, just don\'t keep to your self to long. I found I did that and ended up nut\'s! I should say very unstable and almost a recluse... Enjoy your time off and do fun things or things of interest for you, classes or ect. anything is good.XOX, Debbie
No advice, just love and understanding!! ((((HUGS)))), Julia
I am also introvert, always been a home body. More so these last 6 years. I love my quiet time. I can hang out in my house all weekend and never go out and it doesn\'t bother me. Once in awhile I feel like I have to get out. I work all week so the down time is important to me. Sometimes the \"shoulds\" get in my head and I think I \"should\" be going out more. I am tired when I get home from work I don\'t feel like going back out. I think we need to trust our instincts and works what best for us. Breathe! Sue xo
Hi Gina! I just want to tell you how it was for me and this is in NO way like bragging or one-upping or anything like that, it is just how it was when my son died. Plain, simple and straightforward. When my Michael died, I had to return to my full time job after two weeks. No choice. As a single woman for many years and totally dependent on myself, there were no other options. I continue to work. So, I still have to say that if you have what I consider a luxury to be able to work or not, then don\'t or do. But, if you don\'t have to, keep considering getting out and making it to your appointments, visit some old folks homes, take a walk in the park, visit. I have been off work due to a shoulder injury since June 28th and have been spending one night a week having dinner and watching tv with my mom, visited my brother, went to a family friends 50th wedding anniversary and done lots of things that I never got to do when working a very demanding full time retail hour job! I never realized how all I did was work and sleep to go back to work! BTW, I am a very private and basically introverted person and find myself much more at ease with children and animals. But, when you have to have a paycheck just for survival, you do what you have to do and there is no other choice. I am actually thankful that I had to go back to work. It was not easy and I \"zombied\" my way through it for the first couple of years, but I did it. I realize that I am sounding harsh here, but I also feel like I am just telling it like it is! And we can get out and do things outside the home/bed/cocoon without letting anyone past our \"walls\" too quickly. Just last Sunday, I forced myself to attend our friends 50th wedding anniversary. I tried to come up with every reason not to go. But I went. I was my usual quiet, sit in the corner and be unnoticed self. But I went and I am so glad that I did! I have gotten thank you notices from the couple, who\'s children I babysat when they were little. Did me good. Try it. Love and bunches of hugs.
I was very much the introvert as a young girl, due to my childhood circumstances...alcoholic and abusive father, military family who moved often. I never made friends easily...never really wanted anyone to see the truth of me I guess. I began coming out of my shell when my meet my bff at age 12, although she was my only friend...and the only one I wanted. I remember being so jealous of her for having other friends. She was MINE! I didn\'t want to share. But slowly I learned to open up to her other friends and eventually even made more of my own. Life went on, I married and had children and my life was pretty much just them. I was a stay at home mom until my divorce (kids were 7 & 5). Once I was out in the working world I began making \"friends\" with coworkers, but it was still a struggle. One, I didn\'t have time for me as I was a single mom, my world revolved around my kids.
My husband isn\'t a true introvert, however, he isn\'t one who is fond of large crowds and when in those situations you can usually find he\'s slipped off to the side. This has been a comfort zone for me...being able to say it was my husband who didn\'t like crowds. I know you\'re reading all of this saying WHAT, TERI, AN INTROVERT?! But I\'m getting there!! LOL!
It was truly only after Kala\'s accident that my personality bloomed....or exploded! Yes at first, in the depth of my grief, my world was driving back and forth to the cemetery 4-5 times a day. I found this site and began writing journals and was amazed that anyone read them...that anyone truly cared....and most of all, that they truly did understand. Every time I read a journal, I got \"into it\"....100%! And the more I let myself get \"into\" all of you, and the more I opened myself to all of you, the more my personality changed.
I am bolder, stronger, more outgoing, and yes, happier now. I mean I\'ve come from this shy little girl afraid to let the world see her, to singing karaoke in bars!! How crazy is that!! I think perhaps my being an introvert was all due to circumstances, and not truly who \"I\" was/am. I am more TERI today than I\'ve ever been in my life thus far on this earth! And I LOVE me!
So, after that long and I\'m sure rather boring story, this is my advice to you. Search inward and outward for your true self....the self that is in love with yourself and finds joy and peace in your life. If that is truly to be an introvert, there is nothing wrong with that! And if you discover it has only been circumstances which have placed you in an introverts thinking and being, try stretching your legs in arenas that interest, and perhaps even scare you. Deep inside we each know who we are and how we must live in harmony with ourselves. Introvert or extrovert.....both are normal when we live authentically!
Regarding the number 2, I found this interesting:
http://numerology-thenumbersandtheirmeanings.blogspot.com/2011/02/number-2.html