Attention Again...
Right now i am truly upset because it hurts to hear the truth. Even though I'm not happy with someones personal achievements if it means they are better than me, I still pretend to be happy for them. I don't want them to know that I'm jealous. Yes if it is something that I have no interest I can be happy for them. Now it sounds like I'm allowing or not allowing myself to be happy for someone. That's so selfish. Why am I not happy for them? Why do I have to be the best? Why can't allow others to be good.
The whole physics thing with Alyssa was bullshit. I did want to help her and so I sat down with her and tried to figure some things out but then said, I'm sorry Lizzie I have no idea how to do this but I can give you some of my old books if it would be helpful for you.
When talking with Joanna I felt like I should say that I helped her because I felt like that should of been the right thing to do.
On a good note, Sunday I really wanted to email you but then convinced myself that I didn't need to because I should figure out myself and by emailing you I would clearly want a response which I knew I wouldn't get, most likely so I would have to deal without attention.
Now I'm Concerned with the fact that everything I do is for attention. I want to stop this.
I can guarantee that I am going to do everything possible to make it seem like I am not doing things for attention. Once again I know that I will separate myself from others and keep everything to myself.
I want to stop this attention issue. It's sad and pathetic that I do it. And Is unfair to others that should receive the attention for accomplishing things. Clearly by me saying to others that I don't want to do the coaches evaluation because I only think of the negatives- that is asking for attention. As I look back at a lot of situations I can clearly see how I was being sneaky to get attention.
Like Sunday I asked my parents if they could hang out in the afternoon but they said let's do breakfast. The probably gave me a reason to breakdown immediately when something else went wrong which I would then get all emotional about and degrade myself, then email my dad with how I was feeling and how horrible I am just so he would respond saying that I'm not stupid etc. God I'm one sneaky son of a bitch.
I want to change this but I am not sure how. I guess I can start by thinking before I speak/write and question myself whether this is for attention or not and then refrain from the things that are for attention.
Then again if I do gain weight and eat well I'll be getting attention for that too. But maybe that's good attention.
So did this eating disorder start because of my desire for attention? But why did I want so much attention in the first place. Clearly by not eating in high school and losing weight I got attention. Since that worked I guess when I feel like I'm not getting attention I go back to my eating disorder so I will get attention. It makes sense.
If I like attention so much maybe I need to get from good things. I get a lot of attention from animals which I love. Hmm maybe thats why I like animals so much! It all makes sense now
Working with the elderly, they are so thankful for whatever I do which in away means they are giving me attention but at the same time makes me feel really good. I think this is good attention. I need to focus more on that.
Also when a patient gets mad at me, I am actually able to handle it. I get pissed off but drop it.
The whole physics thing with Alyssa was bullshit. I did want to help her and so I sat down with her and tried to figure some things out but then said, I'm sorry Lizzie I have no idea how to do this but I can give you some of my old books if it would be helpful for you.
When talking with Joanna I felt like I should say that I helped her because I felt like that should of been the right thing to do.
On a good note, Sunday I really wanted to email you but then convinced myself that I didn't need to because I should figure out myself and by emailing you I would clearly want a response which I knew I wouldn't get, most likely so I would have to deal without attention.
Now I'm Concerned with the fact that everything I do is for attention. I want to stop this.
I can guarantee that I am going to do everything possible to make it seem like I am not doing things for attention. Once again I know that I will separate myself from others and keep everything to myself.
I want to stop this attention issue. It's sad and pathetic that I do it. And Is unfair to others that should receive the attention for accomplishing things. Clearly by me saying to others that I don't want to do the coaches evaluation because I only think of the negatives- that is asking for attention. As I look back at a lot of situations I can clearly see how I was being sneaky to get attention.
Like Sunday I asked my parents if they could hang out in the afternoon but they said let's do breakfast. The probably gave me a reason to breakdown immediately when something else went wrong which I would then get all emotional about and degrade myself, then email my dad with how I was feeling and how horrible I am just so he would respond saying that I'm not stupid etc. God I'm one sneaky son of a bitch.
I want to change this but I am not sure how. I guess I can start by thinking before I speak/write and question myself whether this is for attention or not and then refrain from the things that are for attention.
Then again if I do gain weight and eat well I'll be getting attention for that too. But maybe that's good attention.
So did this eating disorder start because of my desire for attention? But why did I want so much attention in the first place. Clearly by not eating in high school and losing weight I got attention. Since that worked I guess when I feel like I'm not getting attention I go back to my eating disorder so I will get attention. It makes sense.
If I like attention so much maybe I need to get from good things. I get a lot of attention from animals which I love. Hmm maybe thats why I like animals so much! It all makes sense now
Working with the elderly, they are so thankful for whatever I do which in away means they are giving me attention but at the same time makes me feel really good. I think this is good attention. I need to focus more on that.
Also when a patient gets mad at me, I am actually able to handle it. I get pissed off but drop it.
Replies