At Thirteen Months
Dear Fred:
Today has marked the 13th month since Nick died. It seems like it was forever ago that true laughter and happiness left my world. I know he isn't able to come back but I still cannot truly believe he is dead. The word "dead" has such a finality to it. Nick was so alive. He seemed to grasp life with both hands and a full spirit. He was always learning. He always enjoyed physical activities so much. When I look at pictures of our hikes and also the country he hiked into by himself it breaks my heart to think that he will never again see the beauty of the places he loved so. He will never again swish down a hill on skies or take those 20 mile hikes I used to worry about. I look at pictures of him crossing a river by walking along a tree that had fallen across it. Backpack on and a big smile on his face. I see him standing on top of one of the "Goblins" in Goblin Valley so happy, so alive and looking so well..... just 8 weeks before he started feeling sick. It all seems so unreal and so unjust. There are so many who do not truly enjoy life and they live for years. To think that someone who loved and lived life fully had his time cut so short is hard to understand.
Thursday night I went with a couple of friends to an Idaho Geology presentation at the Colonial Theater. It was very well done. However, it was so heartbreaking. I had not expected them to show so many beautiful pictures of our country side and back country. So many places that Nick & I have visited. So many places he went to by himself and took pictures of. So many places that are beautiful that he never got to see. It made my heart and soul cry for him as he will never enjoy these things again.
Yes, the places we went to together brought back memories that are dear. But, to know that such memories will not ever be made again is a hard thing. I rejoice in the good things we did but mourn because those good thing will not come again.
On the 13th month anniversary I send you my love, Nick. Thank you for the 22 years I had the honor of being your wife and for all the new and wonderful parts of the world you introduced me to. My life is better because you were in it. My life is now lonely and empty because you had to leave. My love to you, always.
Darlene Newman
4/28/2012
Today has marked the 13th month since Nick died. It seems like it was forever ago that true laughter and happiness left my world. I know he isn't able to come back but I still cannot truly believe he is dead. The word "dead" has such a finality to it. Nick was so alive. He seemed to grasp life with both hands and a full spirit. He was always learning. He always enjoyed physical activities so much. When I look at pictures of our hikes and also the country he hiked into by himself it breaks my heart to think that he will never again see the beauty of the places he loved so. He will never again swish down a hill on skies or take those 20 mile hikes I used to worry about. I look at pictures of him crossing a river by walking along a tree that had fallen across it. Backpack on and a big smile on his face. I see him standing on top of one of the "Goblins" in Goblin Valley so happy, so alive and looking so well..... just 8 weeks before he started feeling sick. It all seems so unreal and so unjust. There are so many who do not truly enjoy life and they live for years. To think that someone who loved and lived life fully had his time cut so short is hard to understand.
Thursday night I went with a couple of friends to an Idaho Geology presentation at the Colonial Theater. It was very well done. However, it was so heartbreaking. I had not expected them to show so many beautiful pictures of our country side and back country. So many places that Nick & I have visited. So many places he went to by himself and took pictures of. So many places that are beautiful that he never got to see. It made my heart and soul cry for him as he will never enjoy these things again.
Yes, the places we went to together brought back memories that are dear. But, to know that such memories will not ever be made again is a hard thing. I rejoice in the good things we did but mourn because those good thing will not come again.
On the 13th month anniversary I send you my love, Nick. Thank you for the 22 years I had the honor of being your wife and for all the new and wonderful parts of the world you introduced me to. My life is better because you were in it. My life is now lonely and empty because you had to leave. My love to you, always.
Darlene Newman
4/28/2012
Replies
Darlene, I am so glad that you have all these wonderful memories and yes they are hard to remember sometimes without sadness. We are also grieving for the things that they loved and have lost, not only what we lost.
I agree that it is not right that they went and I for one will never \"accept\" it. I will try and \"live with it\" as what choice do I have........wishing you some peace and more happy memories that sad ones.....hugs
Darleen, I am sorry you are feeling this pain and I know you wish you could see him doing the same things he used to love to do.
He is able to do so much more then he ever imagined he could to do now. He does not have his earthly body to slow him down and stop him from doing what he could not do here.
All those wonderful things he did here, seem like riding a tricycle where he is now.
Have joy in your heart that one day he will see you again and be able to show you what new wonderful things you can do without your earthly body.
Hugs & God Bless,
Judy
Darlene it is so hard to imagine our lives without our dear husbands who had such a zest for what living was all about. Moonflyer said something to me when I went to Africa 11 months after my Larry was taken from me. She said that Larry will see Africa through your eyes.....know your dear Nick has become part of what you are now....he is there with you....we ache for their physical presence but I believe they are still here with us. Hugs, Lu Ann
My life was made better because you were in it\". That\'s the exact way I feel my dear friend, and I also know the pain you are feeling that never again, will you and nick do something out of the norm again here together. I think about that so often that the smiles we had and thengs we did together are in the past. MY past, and it does SUCK my friend to know that.
I concentrate much more on being so lucky to have had Greg at all. If he hadn\'t come into my life, I\'d have never had the experinces I had with him or felt so LOVED by another human being. It really does always remind me of this song I could have missed the pain I feel when it comes over me, but boy if not for nick and Greg we would have missed a hell of a DANCE.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjNDVudMOHk
It helps me more to think about the dance. I hope it does you too.
love to you and many tight hugs coming your way sweet friend diane
Darlene, It is so hard to assimilate the fact that our husbands are not physically here with us any longer. All the wishing and hoping won\'t change that----though sometimes we can\'t help ourselves we want them back so badly it physically hurts. I spiral downward when I wish and want what can\'t be----I try to be thankful for having Stan in my life for the time I did have and to take him with me in my heart. None of this is easy---for darn sure, but I see in you a thankfulness for the life you shared with Nick and the places you got to see, adventures you had together. Blessings and Hugs to you---thanks for sharing your heart with us, Sal
I am sorry for your extra pain at the thirteenth month anniversary.
I can so identify with this journal. My Ron was a hiker, nature loving guy and I too feel he introduced me to so much....
Wishing you peace and comfort.....hugs....