“At least things weren’t that bad for me”

    At best, I was somewhat unfortunate. Some of the people I see on r/raisedbynarcissists makes me thankful to be where I am. At least I’m not the rape denial family, or the guy whose parents killed his dog, or the plethora of people who feel so chained to their parents they can’t think for themselves. I can and can’t imagine life for those people. I can understand it to the point where I cringe, but not enough to know what they went through. Where some people I know here went through.

     At least I’ve had some freedom. At worst, I was born too sensitive into the wrong family. Maybe some things were my own fault. Maybe if I had been more mature at that time, things would have turned out better. Maybe if I had been braver and made friends. 

      The way I am now isn’t so bad. I’m too hard on myself. So maybe it doesn’t matter what happened in the past anymore. 

      *sigh..* 

       Maybe I need new friends instead of the constant spewers of negativity around me.. 

       Really, my parents have issues, but they’re not so had comparatively. I mean, a lot of things in my life have been easier with their financial support. I won’t even have debt from college. That’s lucky, right? I’m the snobber who gets a full ride to any college she wants, backed up by tutors and teachers and a life of people telling me I’m great. 

      I’m not sure where I’m going with this, but I’m not that great. I don’t know if I mean that humbly or in a self deprecating way, but I was lucky in many ways and unlucky in others. And I’ve been arrogant. And quite self-centered, too. 

      I’m not that great. 

      I’m not that great.  

      I tell myself that all the time in a self deprecating way but now, it’s just the truth. 

      Sure I’m smart. Sure I’m some 99th percentile standardized test person. A person with big ideas and goals. A person with artistic talent. A lot of the time, people tell me they want to be me. I always brushed them off. I’m not that great. I’m not like you, or you, or you, brave, or enduring, or able to do this and that. I never stood up for my friends, I was never brave, I hardly lived a moment without being scared. 

      Everyone tells me that I’m great, but I can’t let it get to my head, you see? That’s where arrogant smart aleck assholes come in. But at the same time.. I can’t try to combat that by hating myself. And I’m tired of being powerless.