At a loss

Last night I dreamed of my husband and son.  While the dream was kind of weird, they were both in it...healthy, younger, happy.  Then I woke up.  I picked up my son's remains today.  As the funeral director handed them to me,I totally lost it. Since he passed away 3 weeks ago, I had longed to hold him again..but not that way...not in an urn. 
When my husband died, I knew I had to go on for our son...now?  there really is nothing to live for.  
I likely won't be able to stay in our home.  We are in subsidized housing, and now, with only me I will be considered 'over housed'.  The outlook is really bleak.  On top of everything else I am likely looking at homelessness.  I wish I was dead.  Seriously. 

Replies

loveddogs
loveddogs

Oh Wendi, I am so very sorry you are going through all of this. I cannot imagaine the level of pain you are in. Just know that I am here, we all are. Hugs and Love dear friend. Michele
Joely
Joely

Wendi,
You are not alone! Since this is the faith based forum, I\'m hoping that means you believe in the Lord. He is with you! Please believe that! Things look bleak now, and in your grief that\'s understandable.
Do you have friends or relatives who you can discuss all of this with right now? Or a church based family? Ask the Lord for help and believe. I am praying for you right now.
Gentle hugs(((hugs))) Joely
dschwartz
dschwartz

Shit Wendi . . I know this whole fucking mess stinks for you right now!! I don\'t know if I could survive it either, so I do understand your hopelessness right now. You will never be homeless! If you can get to MT, I\'ll put a roof over your head. Promise!! Please don\'t lose sight of how young you still are and that your life is here and now . . . you are here and now for a \"reason\". And that reason is not to suffer indefinitely. One of the Buddha\'s greatest lessons was that life is full of suffering . . none of us will escape it. We learn to live with it (eventually) and let the suffering help us to stretch and grow. I know that sounds like a load of crap right now and it words won\'t help one little bit. I know, I know. Just know that I\'m thinking of you. You have my number, call anytime, or reach out with a chat on FB and I\'ll call you. Hugs, hugs, hugs. xoxo
dschwartz
dschwartz

Oh and if you decide to turn to the Lord, make sure it\'s a bottle of Lord Calbert Canadian Whiskey! A faith based forum? Really? I don\'t think Joely realizes that preaching religion is against the Rules of the Road!! Exactly the shit that pissed me off with DSWW to begin with . . . all the damn Bible thumping! Sorry, you don\'t need to hear my rant right now . . maybe you\'ll get at least a chuckle or a smile from my perspective? Love ya! xo
hgsdms
hgsdms

So very sorry that life has handed you all of this Wendi. Can\'t even imagine the pain you are going through right now. I also lost a son, but it was to estrangement and happened over 25 years ago so the pain is over for me but just beginning for you. Big hugs....wish I could actually do something for you.
biowoman
biowoman

Wendi I know it all seems so bleak right now...but you cannot know what is ahead for you. You have purpose. Figuring out that purpose is not necessary right now, survival is. Take each day as it comes. You have just lost your precious son and that requires so much energy. Don\'t try to look too far down the road...just minute to minute right now. Each of us that has lost a child have felt the things you are feeling and it IS hard, but there can be happiness again (I know that seems impossible now) just give it time.

Love and gentle hugs...Karen
Livingjuicy
Livingjuicy

Gentle and loving care BEing sent to you. One breath, moment and step at a time is what these wise and loving moms reminded me to do. I never believed I could survive this long, yet here I am almost eight years later and you will be too. I know it feels impossible to wrap your mind and heart around right now and I am SO very sorry for the horrific pain and anguish you are feeling.

Easy does it and know that how you are feeling matters because YOU do.

Heartfelt (((hugs)))
XO Joanie
MomofJosh
MomofJosh

So wish I had magic answers for you and could make it all better. I felt much the same after losing our beloved son but I did not have it as difficult as you at least in the same ways. I agree with Karen and Joanie as these wise women have helped me so much through the years. Right now survival is utmost and just making it minute to minute is an accomplishment. Do not look too far down the road as once as it can be overwhelming. One moment, one breath at a time. Right now things are bleak but in a few years you may come through and find a new vigor and purpose for which to live. In the meantime, I will be thinking of you and praying for you.
Tight hugs, Leda